Thanksgiving

We had a lovely day together as a family, only Steve & Michele (w/kids, of course), Danny, and Becky & Martin (& kids) weren't able to be there. Steven & Michele went to her mom & dad's, Danny had to work, and Martin & Becky live in New Zealand which makes it hard to get to the in-laws house for holidays! Mother made a wonderful turkey, despite our having experienced a winter snowstorm, the night before, that brought down lines and caused the electricity to be out for three hours.

We had dinner at Kevin and Petra's, and had a close friend and neighbor, Mr. Mitchell, as a guest (it was so nice to see him looking so well after having hip replacement surgery, etc.). Linda made a great vegetable dish of cauliflower and sun-dried tomatoes; Petra had a fantastic appetizer of stuffed mushrooms. Josie's pumpkin pie was one of the best I've had. All together it was just a great (& YUMMY) time.

After dinner, I spent a couple of hours playing a board game with my nieces & nephews. It was a lot of fun, and it was good to see how nicely they're all growing up and maturing. They are such gifts from God and I'm so thankful to have them in my life!

The Perils of Organ Donation

As a nurse, working primarily in pediatric ICU, I witnessed many wonderful kids' lives changed by organ donation. Seeing what good could come from such a simple act made me change my belief system (the one I'd grown up with) about organ donation and I have since signed the back of my driver's license. My family, while not agreeing with me, has assured me they will respect my wishes and donate my organs on the event of my death, if appropriate.

I was reading a recent article in the Rocky Mountain News, however, that has made me wonder a bit about the wisdom of donating my organs. The article said a young man (31yo) attempted to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head. Two hospitals declared him brain dead prior to harvesting his organs. Unfortunately, the coroner has since ruled the man didn't fit the qualifications for brain death! Consequently, he has ruled the man's death a homicide. The criteria for brain death are usually very simple; two consecutive brain scans (usually 24 hours apart) showing absence of brain waves (although the criteria can be different from state to state). The brain scans are only done when the patient has no evidence of brain function (i.e., is unable to breath on his own, is comatose and unresponsive to deep painful stimuli).

What shook me up about this was the memories it brought back of comatose patients I'd cared for; ones I'd felt the need to protect from hovering transplant surgeons. Unfortunately, these patients weren't rare, at least in my experience, nor was the aggressiveness of the transplant surgeons rare. Sad to say, there were multiple times when I would have to remind a transplant doc that the patient he was questioning me about (usually a child in a persistent vegetative or comatose state whose parents weren't deeply involved in their care) was not his patient. This meant he had no right to be perusing the patients chart, nor did he have the right to be asking me, day after day, whether I'd spoken the the parent's about organ donation and what their response was. While I could understand why these docs felt the need to be so aggressive (oftentimes they'd developed strong relationships with their patients who needed organs), but I couldn't help but feel sickened at how they went about seeking organs! So many times, families of patients with significant head injuries were newly grasping the probability that their child wouldn't survived and were grieving over this. To have an unknown physician come into this environment and start pushing the idea of organ donation was, to say the least, painful. Oftentimes parents approached in this manner began to ask if we'd given up on their child; were we only concerned about this other child who could be saved with an organ donation?

I can't tell you the sadness (and, yes, anger) I felt in these situations. I wanted so desperately to help these kids and their families, and sometimes it would take weeks to gain their trust so they could make a suitable decision regarding their child's care/life. To have a transplant doctor come in and try to force them to make a decision when they weren't ready was infuriating, to say the least. That's why I had no fear in telling these doctors off (i.e., that they were acting inappropriately and had no right being at the child's bedside or reading his chart, let alone trying to speak with the family about organ donation)!

Don't get me wrong, though, organ donation is generally a wonderful thing! One of the joys of my life is to hear a little boy I took care of as a newborn following a heart transplant speak on the radio about how his life was impacted by his new heart. To know he is almost a teenager and is well and happy is just fantastic! I'm so thankful for the opportunity of caring for him and his family. I'm not saying I've changed my mind about donating (this is especially important for those of you family members reading this posting)! I guess I'm saying I can understand how such a serious mistake could happen and I pray it doesn't ever happen to me. Regardless, it would still be worth it; to give my life so someone else can live.

Coffee Shop Theology and Joyful Victory!

If you haven’t figured out by now, I work in a local coffee shop, as a barista. Today I was talking to one of my favorite customers, Pastor Chung. He is a pastor at a local church, is very approachable and is obviously being used of God in my life! Each time he sees me, he encourages me to go to church; not his church, just any doctrinally sound church! He is a very dear, Godly person.

I can’t help but wonder at the way the Lord has put Pastor Chung right in my path so I am unable to avoid him. This inability to evade him is terrific (but painful) because it means I can't avoid evaluating my current spiritual state. The greatest sorrow of my life right now is not the fact that I’ll never have biological children, nor that no-one would want to marry someone in my situation so I’ll probably never marry, not even that I live with severe pain from waking to sleep each day. NO! My overwhelming sorrow is I’ve chosen to avoid remembering my Lord Jesus Christ, both in my personal walk with Him and in the Breaking of Bread.

I don’t know why this is. I feel frozen somehow. I know Satan has been fighting to keep me in this vacuum state and, sadly, has been winning these past several years (EONS!). I long so to open up, to bloom again as the Lily blooms for joy at Easter-tide. That the Holy Spirit would fill me so wholly as He has in the past. I desire, whole-heartedly, my Blessed Redeemer and Friend's victory in my life. OH, to live in joy and peace, once again.

Today we spoke about Romans 7, “Oh, wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? (vs 24)” I asked whether Dr. Chung thought this was a one-time process we go through or if it’s something we pass through repeatedly. I explained that when I was young, I'd heard a sermon from a gentleman who stated, categorically, that what is encompassed in Romans 7 is a one-time thing. Once we went through this process that was it! At the time, I believed what he said because it seemed right and I hadn’t yet started to question the teaching I was brought up in, as the Bereans did (“searching the scriptures to see if these things were true”). Since that time, though, I’ve come to believe Romans 7 is NOT a one-time thing. It’s something we go through repeatedly. I know, for me, it’s something I go through daily (or should).

I was so happy to hear Dr. Chung agree with me, without prompting on my part! He went on to say he felt I was experiencing this in some ways with my inability to remember the Lord by going to church, etc. He believes I've stopped at the point of “Oh wretched man that I am” in verse 24 and am failing to go on to accept the promise and hope of v. 25 “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then...”. Then the Spirit brought to mind this realization: Romans 7:25 leads into the joyful reality of Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” How beautiful!!! What a God we have! How can we not adore Him!!

This has been an eye-opener to me! I didn’t have time to stay and talk long with Pastor Chung, yet his loving rebuke kept with me throughout the day. Now, I feel a peace I’ve not felt in so long. The paralyzing fear of going to church/meeting seems to be gone and I feel I have the courage to go to church/meeting. I would value your continued prayers for me regarding this. Also, would appreciate prayers regarding my continued worsening physical pain. Just ask that I might be able to continue working and to have the grace to see Christ through the hurting.

1. Blessed Lord our hallelujahs
now to Thee we raise;
Never could we fully utter
All Thy worth and praise.
Praise the Lamb! Yes, Thou art worthy,
Who didst shed Thy blood
To redeem Thy saints and make us
Kings and priests to God.

2. Yes, we praise Thee, for Thou lov’st us:
And we bless Thee, Lord,
For the peace and joy and gladness
Which Thou dost afford.
Hallelujah! Thou, Lord Jesus,
Canst not cease to love;
Thine we are, and Thine for ever,
One with Thee above.

3. Praise the Lord! Yes, hallelujah!
Who would hush the song?
Join with saints from every nation,
Every tribe and tongue.
Praise the Lamb, for He is worthy,
Sweet eternal strain!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Praise the Lord! Amen.

By: H. D’A. Champney

Great book I've been reading!

Have been reading a really wonderful book called, "Isaac's Storm". For anyone who loves history, as I do, you'll love this book. It's written from the perspective of those who lived through this storm (the hurricane of Galveston in which 8,000 people lost their lives), and goes back and forth between the perspective of Isaac (the meteorologist of all of Texas at the time, who also lived locally, three blocks from the beach) and others who confronted the storm (in Cuba, on the ocean as they sailed to and from America, etc.). One of the most fascinating aspects is how much "hubris" (a word used frequently by Larson to describe the phenomenal stupidity of those who should've known better) of the Americans running the meteorological service of the time. They poked fun at the Cuban meteorologists who said the cyclone which passed over Cuba, headed for Galveston, was in fact a hurricane. Americans said the Cubans were making a mountain out of molehill & kept them from broadcasting their fears to anyone else (to the point of asking telegraph operators not to transmit any warnings from the Cuban meteorology department)! Thus the full horror of the storm was on Galveston before anyone knew of it's existence.

I've not finished the book, yet, but have read most of it in the past twelve hours. I hope Erik Larson continues to publish more historical books because he is such a readable author. I read his most recent book, "Devil in the White City" about the construction of the World's Fair in Chicago, 1893, and the first urban serial killer who used the fair to acquire his victims. This, too, was a really interesting book, but could have had a better title. The title comes from a statement of the killer's in which he says, "I was born with the devil inside me".

So Sorry

To any potential readers: Just wanted to apologize for not posting anything for the past couple of weeks. Just have been a little burned out. Will attempt to start back up again in the coming week. God bless and keep you!

Nephews & Nieces

I've got the nicest, God-honoring nieces & nephews! So far, we're at sixteen, & while I hope this isn't going to be all, it seems pretty likely. I would like to tell you about the four oldest today...

Nils is a 22yo who works for the U. of I. as a computer programmer/trouble-shooter. Nils, as the first of this great bunch, has always been respectful & kind, a friend to many, reaching out to the sad & broken-hearted, inviting friends, coworkers & acquaintances to meeting. He loves photography & back-packing through the mountains with my brother, Dan. Nils also has an earnestness of heart which is beautiful. I've never seen anyone who so longed to do what was right. He is my brother Kevin's oldest.

Britta is next in line at 20yo. She is a tremendous help at home in caring for her younger siblings but is always ready to help persons who need help in the community. Right now she is helping to care for the g'father of friends, who is dying, painfully, of cancer. She helps clean houses for elderly persons in the community who are unable to do this themselves. Britta has always tried to fight for the underdog; it's one of the things I love most about her! She is second in line after Nils, in Kevin's family.

Joe is Kevin's third oldest at 18yo. He became my nephew somewhat late, at the age of 15yo, after suffering the loss of his great-g'mother who had been his sole care-giver & his Mother at heart. He is a wonderful guy who is forever trying his best. One of the things I love in him is how much he tries to come across as a tough guy, but in reality he is a kind & sensitive man. He works up at the U. of I., & generally gets a ride to work with Jeff, my brother. They have a great relationship in which laughter plays an important part. Joe has a fantastic way of bringing out the "sillies" in people!

Josie is 17yo, quickly coming up to 18yo, & is Tim's oldest. She's a wonder with animals & crafts. Since she was thirteen or fourteen, she has both raised & bred goats & used their milk to make & sell soaps at a farmers market in the college town 20 miles north. Her reputation is fantastic in this town because she is so determined to provide a quality product! She is incredibly good at working with animals & hopes to one-day work at the U. of I. as one of their animal care-givers. Josie just came home from Ecuador after a two week stint learning Spanish intensively with my brother, Jeff. Her determination & courage is what I love best about her.

These are the four oldest of my nephews & nieces. I just felt the need to speak about them. I'll tell of the younger ones in the next few days.

Prayer for Steven

Please pray for my brother, Steve. Last year he suffered through a bout with meningitis & ended up going back in the hospital with complication from an infiltrated IV site. He then had several months of severe headaches from a post-meningitis syndrome before finally being diagnosed & treated appropriately. Last week he began having pain in his right upper back & arm which rapidly became excruciating. He was diagnosed with shingles on Thursday of this week.

I just feel so badly for him. It doesn't seem right, his having to go through so much suffering in such a short time. He is the father of four kids, including a teenager and three kids below the age of four. He is the sole provider in his family so they really struggle when he's unable to work. Plus it has been pretty agonizing for him because the kids don't understand how painful this process is so they jump either on him or on the cough next to him. This obviously triggers terrible pain (like ripping off of one long scab from a partially healed wound as it sears up the nerve) each time.

I know he is pretty depressed about going through this struggle once again. Please keep both he & his family, especially his wife, Michele, in your thoughts & prayers. Pray for my mom, as well, because she can't help feeling helpless & sad when she knows her youngest is struggling in this way. My prayer is the Father will be near them both, & wrap His arms of love around about Steven to comfort him & help him know how loved he is. As scripture says, "Whom the Father loves, He chastens." Steven is certainly well-loved from this perspective!

Feeling lots better!

Went to the dentist this (no, yesterday) morning & had 3 (count 'em) teeth pulled. Between a massive infection & problems with bone/mineral loss from osteopenia (a precursor to osteoporosis), I've struggled with broken teeth for several months. Am at the point of needing a partial denture. It's pretty embarrassing to say the least, because not only has it caused me a great deal of pain, I'm starting to look like some old trailer park granny! All I need is a pipe to smoke & I could fit right in down in Tennessee where my twin lives; sitting on a front porch swing, rocking & smoking my corncob pipe. (Pretty scary picture, huh?) I'm walking in faith, though, & know that God knows how distressful this is to me. Thankfully, I feel His nearness through this time & know my life is in His safe & loving hands.

I sometimes worry about finding a "real" job, 'coz no-one would want to hire someone with my appearance. If I could only stop smiling so much, or at least learn to do it with my mouth closed! Unfortunately(?) I've been gifted with too good a sense of humor & can't stop myself from grinning & laughing when I'm at my current job. I can't help finding joy in little things & so am left with this stupid gap-tooth grin. Oh well...

When I think of all the surgeries I've been through & all the pain I've suffered through in my adult life, having a gaps in my smile is a small thing. It's funny, though, how the small things get to me! When I was at the dentist, he wanted to give me a prescription for pain meds but I told him I thought I'd be ok since I'd been putting up with this horrendous pain for six days ('coz his office wouldn't give me an appt. until yesterday). Sure enough, I'm doing well with just Advil & my usual chronic pain medicine. Stupidly, my fear of having these teeth pulled & how I would look afterward is what put me off from seeing the dentist these past few months. I'm much more bothered by how I look now, then by all the pain I was in before. I never thought I was so vain! It's good to learn these things about one's self.

Thank You, my dearest Heavenly Father, for watching over me & being so near me during these last several pain-filled days. Thank You for Your grace & the love you've shown me throughout my life & thank You for making me see my life is in Your hands! I love You & adore You & long to be in Your presence some day. Thank You for all the gifts You give in each day. Help me to have eyes to see the beauty of Your creation. How can I not worship You? In Your Son's precious & holy Name.

Quote of the year!

"No medal is as beautiful as a friendship.''
Statement made by Marcus Rogan, of Austria, after losing the gold medal & getting silver, instead, in the 200m backstroke. His friend, America's Aaron Piersol, came in first but was disqualified then reinstated.

I'm a big baby...but it's ok!

I can't help wondering sometimes what God is trying to teach me when He allows me to be in this screamingly unbearable pain. I know it casts me upon Him, in prayer, & this is good, but when it continues for days on end, I find myself losing faith. It's hard not to be frightened... I know my life is in His hands & HIs Spirit lives within me so no matter what happens I will be kept safe whether on this side of Heaven or on the other. It's funny 'coz I like to think I'm really tough because I live with severe pain daily, yet when this extra pain happens, I feel like such a baby!!

Being a baby, though, is a good thing, even though, in saying I feel like a baby, I am truly mocking myself. Yet, in thinking about babyhood, I have come to appreciate the fact that they are totally dependent on those who love them. They have to be held, fed & loved in uncountable ways. How wonderful this is!! It is the way we should be in relation to God; cast completely on Jesus, "The Leader & Completer of Faith" (as scripture says). Perhaps this is the answer to the question, “Why”. It’s always a good, no, a triumphant, thing to be cast on Christ Jesus.

In realizing this, I can thank my Heavenly Father for His great love for me. As the scripture in James says, “Give thanks in all things.” It’s important to realize that most translations use this interpretation, NOT ‘for all things’. Sometimes there are times when we just can’t give thanks for something, but we can always give thanks in our circumstances, no matter how painful. If nothing else, we can give thanks for a beautiful sunrise, for eyes to see it, for life to live in this lovely creation of God’s. It doesn’t make the pain or suffering go away, but it helps me to see outside of myself, to focus my eyes on the Physician, God & Father, our Rose of Sharon, Alpha & Omega, the Beginning & the End, Ancient of Days, my dearest Abba. All of these wonderful names meaning God!

Thank You, dearest Father & Friend for being with me through this time of suffering. Thank You for my family, for friends, for all those who care about me. Thank You for the sun’s rising & setting, & all the beauty You show to us everyday. Most of all, thank You for the gift of Your precious, only Son. (A gift made so all those who love You & give their lives to You can become sons, too; by adoption!) How You must love us to have done this; to have shown Your love in such a way! Please give me eyes to see the wonder of Your creation. Help me to glorify You in all that I do despite the circumstances because You alone are worthy of glory & praise & adoration. I love You with all of me!

Cool postings continue from Ecuador

Just briefly wanted to say my niece, Josie, is one of the neatest people I know! She is in Ecuador with my brother, her Uncle Jeff, & has taken to writing her experiences in her blog (click title to this post). Her way of seeing things & expressing what she sees in writing make it become real for the reader. They've had some really interesting things happen & I'm really glad she's chosen to write in this way instead of waiting 'til she comes home. This way, everything she sees is fresh & vivid. She's done a great deal of travelling world-wide for someone her age. Check out what she has to say!

Sensitivity

One of the things I've found interesting about blogging is how much I care about whether people read what I write or not! I’m not sure why this is; maybe a desire for immortality or just to be heard? Who knows? It does get dreadfully lonely sometimes when I write for days on end & never get feedback. This is especially difficult when I know how many family members & friends are reading it. But then I began to think “Maybe I’ve bored them to such an extreme they can no longer tolerate reading it!” What is especially bothersome to me is, WHY do I let it worry me? Why can’t I find contentment in writing for writing's sake? After all, one of the reasons I started blogging was to journal on-line & I certainly don’t go around reading my journal out loud to family & friends!

In some ways, I’m ashamed by these feelings; the longing to have people read what I’ve written from my heart. I’m afraid that if I were truly writing from my heart, without the intention of impressing others, then I wouldn’t care if anyone read my postings. I can't help thinking, what if my desire for an audience comes out of an unspoken yearning to awe people with my depth, spirituality, goodness, wisdom, thoughtfulness, etc., etc. (The very thought of this makes me blush!)

Originally, when I thought of writing on-line, as well as being able to honestly journal my thoughts & fears, I ached to be able to reach out to others with the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ, through relating my own experiences, those which brought me into deeper relationship with Him. To tell the Truth, by the power of the Holy Spirit within me! I yearned to boast only in the Cross of Christ, our Lord (as the wonderful old hymn says). This ache is unchanged & my prayer continues to be that persons will read the words in this blog, realize the “God-shaped hole” which is inside of them, come to an understanding of their need for the Saviour and seek out those who can help them come to the Lord.

Burundi Massacre

Was reading an article in the BBC about the massacre of refugees at a camp in Burundi. Those killed were Tutsis (mainly woman & children) and Burundi Hutus have claimed responsibility. I find myself crying out, "Why?" All these people wanted was to find a place of refuge from the suffering they'd found in their own country (Congo DR). I can't understand the mentality of persons who go to a place such as this to murder persons, especially when those persons are the most vulnerable. Perhaps it's because there is poor security in these camps so it is easier to go there to kill one's perceived enemy, yet how does one even tolerate the thought that this is appropriate behavior?

I find myself crying out to God, asking Him to protect these people. I also pray that all parties look back & learn from the torment & distress of the massacres occurring just ten years ago in Rwanda; massacres of which thousands of people are still suffering the consequences. It’s hard not to be moved to tears when I read of man’s inhumanity to man. How is it we’re unable to learn from history? Sometimes I wonder if this is because we refuse to allow ourselves to read about or learn about these terrible acts because we don’t want to “focus on the negative”.

I believe with my whole heart, as Christians, we are required to feel this pain not avoid it. If we avoid it we are protecting ourselves, yes, but we’re also avoiding the anguish that works on our hearts & forces us to act. Have been reading a book called, “After the Darkness”, a sort of photo-journal with pictures & stories from those who survived the Holocaust. (In reading the book I found out the meaning of the work Holocaust, which means “burnt offering”. How poignant!) The book also has passages written by the great historian, Elie Wiesel, who lived through this time period as a teenager, surviving to give testimony to what was done to himself, his family & his people. In some ways, his sole desire was to forget all he’d been through, but he found the courage to stand up & speak the truth. He chose to daily live through the pain of his memories so others would never forget! This is why I feel it’s important not to “focus on the negative” but to be willing to suffer the pain of the knowledge of evil being done in this world. As scripture speaks of, we need to “pray intelligently” & we can only do this when we have the knowledge of what to pray about.

Updates from Ecuador

Just wanted to let everyone know that Josie has another great update from Ecuador on her site (http://willingwanderer.blogspot.com).

Our Great Intercessor

Would ask for your prayers as I have a terrible toothache which started last night & has grown worse through the day. Unfortunately it is hard for me not to become grumpy when I have this extra pain. I live with a certain level of pain on a daily basis which my doctor treats with a powerful narcotic used for chronic pain. However, when the pain becomes more severe or if another pain starts up (like this horrendous toothache) I find myself feeling really desperate. It's amazing. I've learned from extensive personal experience, the human body can put up with incredible levels of pain for prolonged periods of time. Yet add just a little more on top of that tolerated level & it's as though the floodgates open up & I am overwhelmed! It's times like these when I understand persons who commit suicide because of intolerable pain though I find it deeply & personally abhorrent. It's hard not to let the tiredness I feel at fighting this daily war become all consuming. Just giving up seems an intelligent alternative, though when I'm at my normal pain level I could never imagine doing this.

The beauty of this desperation is it causes me to be cast on God. There is nothing I can do except pray. Why this is so beautiful is I feel a deep sense of the Lord's nearness when this happens &, for a time, the pain becomes tolerable again. Plus, I get to feel the wonder of His presence; the presence of the One who gave His life for me. These times of nearness to my dearest Saviour & Friend help me to understand the scripture in Hebrews 5:8 which says, "though he were Son, he learned obedience from the things which he suffered;", referring to the Lord Jesus. I used to wonder what was meant in this verse but I've a deeper understanding of it since going through this pain process. It wasn't that our Lord & Redeemer needed to LEARN obedience (obviously He spent His whole life in obedience to the Father) but He chose to put Himself in that place to be able to completely empathize with our suffering. There is another verse which speaks of Him sitting at the right hand of the Father offering Himself as Intercessor. I find this so comforting because it's through His suffering and death and resurrection that He chose to be our Intercessor. How can we not cry out in adoration to Him?!

The "Left Behind" books

I work at a bookstore in a nearby town so get to read lots of great books w/o having to pay for them (sort of a lending library situation). I've had the opportunity to read through the "Left Behind" series over these past few years and really liked the fact that the Gospel was presented on almost every page of the books. It bothered me, though, thinking of the scripture in Revelations 22:18 which says, "I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book; if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book." I heard Messrs. LaHaye & Jenkins on the radio once when they were on the Larry King show. Someone called in & referred to this scripture & asked what they thought of this. They both said they weren't adding to scripture because the series was entirely fictional & the events described are their own interpretation of what scripture says.

I wasn't too concerned about this, honestly, until I read the last book, "The Glorious Appearing" (this book describes the Lord's millennial return). I found myself deeply disturbed by their description of these events. Even though they are careful to have the Lord's words be scripture quotations, I felt uneasy with the whole idea of attempting to describe something which is truly beyond description! Also, to attempt to put into words what He will look and sound like to His saints feels belittling. Just the very act of attempting to put into words details which even scripture leaves out feels sacrilegious, sort of a "Tower of Babel" using words. Many people are confused by the book of Revelations (from which many of the events in this series is taken), yet what is described in Revelations regarding the end times is meant to be a mystery because it is beyond our power to know.

As Christians we speak of "The Mystery" (that which there is in scripture which is not easily understood). A lot of this Mystery occurs in Revelation mainly because what is to happen in the end times is so indescribable. I believe God in His holiness, grace & wisdom has allowed us to be unclear/uncertain about what is to come after the Rapture because it's not something we really need to know other then what He's written in Revelation & in other prophetic books of the Bible. We don't need details because He is in control. It's my belief (& this is knowledge obtained from personal experience) we only want to know specifics and detail because we feel more in control this way. I've always felt I'd be more comfortable when I'm in control of things, yet this cannot compare with the deeper peace & a joy which comes from giving control over to God. I don't know why this is true; it just is. It's a another of God's wondrous mysteries.

Cool web-site

Found a link to a great web-site on my sister-at-heart's blog, http://mythyme.blogspot.com, called "Daily Dose of Imagery". It's by a Toronto photographer & he posts photos he's taken daily on this photoblog (click on this posting title to see the site for yourself). He's use of textures, shadows & lighting is absolutely amazing! I especially love photos he's taken in an abandoned psychiatric hospital. It's one of the coolest blogs I've ever seen. Check it out for yourself!

The Love of God

Was thinking recently of how God loves us deeply and tenderly, as the hymn says, it's a love "that will not let us go". Most of us think of God being a far off deity (after all we can't see or touch Him), yet because of His intense & wondrous love, He sent His ONLY Son to die for our sins on the cross. A lot of people who've seen the Mel Gibson movie, "The Passion", have spoken about how gory the movie was, yet they don't understand what was shown was only a small part of our Lord Jesus' suffering. His physical suffering was, of course, intense, but the suffering He experienced when the Father separated Himself from His Son for those three hours was for more terrible. We don't often think of this, how much it cost both the Father and His Son. I think it's worth thinking about because it's a measure of Christ's love for us. He gave not only His body but all of Himself in that sacrifice.

I was reminded of this when reading Josie's blog for today where she quotes the hymn, "O Patient Spotless One". It is a lovely expression of His life and the adoration both it and His death bring to my heart when I reflect on it.

Elsie sayings...

Had to giggle today when I asked my niece, Elsie, (who's 3yo) where her sister, Josie, was. She replied, "Out da door"! I wasn't sure I heard correctly so I asked, "Out the door?", and she replied, "Yeah", as though I were stupid to think anything else. Josie, of course, is in ECUADOR, not "Out da door"! It got me thinking about how confused poor Els must be about Josie's whereabouts...

The Book of the Dun Cow

Have been re-reading a really great story called "The Book of the Dun Cow" by Walt Wangerin, Jr. It's a lovely story of faith lost then found again, of the meek sacrificing himself to save those he loves, of deepest grief & loss overcome by joy & hope, of earth-shattering darkness & evil overpowered by love & light. It's one of those books where each time you read it you get more out of it. (To me, this is the hallmark of a classic story.)

It's similar in writing to "Animal Farm" because Wangerin tells these great Truths through the lives of animals. As well as being a wonderful author, Mr. Wangerin is a pastor so his stories are filled with biblical truths. I love the earthiness he brings to these stories because it rings so true to what is real life. I've especially loved his short stories which are from his own life experiences as a white pastor of a black congregation in East St. Louis, including, "Miz Lil, and the Chronicles of Grace", "Ragman, and Other Cries of Faith" (this book contains my all-time favorite allegory-->"Ragman", read it if you can 'coz it will bless you!), "The Manger is Empty", and the devotional, "Preparing for Jesus". I recommend all of these books highly & know they can be ordered from any library or bookstore (although some may be out of print). My favorites are "Ragman" and "The Manger is Empty".

I recommend these books because they have been such a blessing to me in my walk with God.

Another note from Ecuador

Check out my niece's blog by clicking on the title of this blog. She has posted another note from Quito describing her day there. It's so neat to hear her views, etc. I'm so proud of her for being such a great person & a special niece! Check out her blog (http://willingwanderer.blogspot.com)

Hearing from Ecuador!

Was really excited when I found a few minutes ago that my niece, Josie, had blogged from Ecuador! We hadn't heard whether Jeff & Jos had even arrived, so it was a wonderful surprise to see her note. I've asked her to try & journal a sort of travelogue if she gets the chance, so check out her site, if you get a chance. Check out her entry by clicking on the title to this post!

Trip to Ecaudor

My niece, Josie, and my brother, Jeff, are going to Ecuador this week for an intensive study course in Spanish. They are staying with a Christian family in Quito and are really excited about the trip! I can't help feeling a little jealous but am glad for them as well. Josie has worked hard this summer and she had to be at home most of the Spring while her brother, Ben, was up in Canada visiting cousins. Josie has several goats she raises and then milks to make soap and lotions to sell at our local farmer's market. Our family has been blessed in that way, because each of my nieces & nephews are all hard working. Sometimes I worry they don't know how to play enough!

Jeff, too, is really deserving of this trip. He works hard at his full-time job at the university, but also does a tremendous amount for our family and for those in our local area. I have personally benefited from his love & concern. After having several surgeries, developing severe chronic pain, losing jobs as a result, etc., I was finding it increasingly difficult to manage on my own. I stayed a year or so with my eldest brother & his wife & kids but I couldn't make it work due to a struggle with severe depression. K. & P. were (& are) so kind to me & I repaid them by keeping myself shut up in my room. (Now, I feel ashamed to go over there because I can never apologize enough for how I treated them. I just couldn't get past the profound depression I felt. This made it extremely difficult to be with others, including the kids, whom I dearly love.) After trying to make it on my own (& failing miserably) in a town nearby, living in an apartment, Jeff offered my dad's old room to me. He helped me by purchasing a car for me to use, allowing me to live in his home rent-free, and allowing me to have space to be on my own, if I'm in need of this.

These things are just a small part of what he does. He's always searching for ways to help others out. I'm thankful to have him for my brother. I dearly love each of my brothers, & my sister, but always felt at a distance to Jeff (I think because he is naturally quiet). Living in his home has helped me to see him in a different light & I daily give thanks for God's grace in putting me in this place and for the work He's done in Jeff's heart.

"I'm Shy, Mary Ellen, I'm Shy"

I've found, in my old age, I've gotten increasingly shy of persons I don't know well. I was always extremely shy but growing up in the Christian Fellowship that I did made it easier because we all knew each other pretty well from the time I was old enough to break bread. Now it is agonizing for me to go out to meeting. I believe my shyness is something Satan is using to keep me from what is spiritually healthy & nurturing, but knowing this doesn't make the struggle easier. Part of the reason I believe this is so is I'm not as shy at work, and am able to be bubbly & outgoing in that environment. It's just the idea of meeting others in the context of church that is difficult for me. If you think about it, church is a deeply personal (or should be) environment; that is what draws us to it. Unfortunately, it is this aspect that I find to be such a struggle. I long to know others in this personal & loving way which is the Body of Christ and is Christian fellowship, yet I panic at the thought.

When I think about wanting to meet other people but being too shy, I'm reminded of a song my brother, Jeff, used to sing in a high falsetto when we were kids. (It was one he got from a British comedy cassette we somehow acquired, which contained this song about a guy who was too shy to date the girl he loved.) He'd sing, "I'm shy, Mary Ellen, I'm shy. It does seem so naughty, oh my!" I can't remember the rest of the song, but thinking of it takes the hurt and shame I feel out of not being as confident and out-going as I'd like. I know I am loved by God "Just as I am" as the old hymn says, and He is helping me to overcome the fear & panic.

What's hard for me, too, is the guilt I feel over not being with my family in this environment as much as they'd like me to be. I know, though, this too, is in the Father's hands. I am thankful He has brought me "safe thus far" to quote another of my favorite hymns!

Memories of My Dad

I've been thinking of my Dad a lot recently; am not sure why. I was passing a car on the interstate the other morning on the way to work and saw this guy with his arm hanging out the window exactly like my father used to do. His arm was big & strong, just like my Dad's, so I almost felt the need to look into the window to make sure it wasn't him! I can't help thinking of how young he was when he died and what joy he got out of life. He was the kindest man I ever knew and this is saying a great deal because I knew some wonderful men who were great mentors when I was growing up in our Christian fellowship.

My Dad oftentimes made me extremely angry, and he had these habits which I found EXTREMELY annoying (like sucking his teeth, digging at his toenails with a pocket knife, driving like a bat out of the hot place, etc.) What's funny is I catch myself doing these things sometimes (NOT digging at my toenails, but the other stuff). He was always so concerned for me and seemed almost to physically suffer when I was going through periods of great pain, surgery, hospitalizations, etc., etc.

I remember one time when I'd had to have major emergency surgery up in Wisconsin. I had gone up to Milwaukee to start a job as a PICU RN, working a thirteen week contract. I went up a few days early so I could move into my apartment, and the night before I was due to start work, endometriosis implants obstructed the tube between my right kidney & bladder (this tube is called a ureter). It was HORRENDOUSLY painful! (Think of someone ripping open your back & knifing you over & over in the kidney.) I managed to drive myself to the ER, knowing that I'd have to have major surgery only six months after the last major surgery, 'coz this same thing had happened then, only it was the left ureter/kidney/bladder. I was absolutely devastated besides being in the kind of pain where you can only rock back & forth & moan "Help me, help me. Please, Lord, help me!"

(Part of the reason I was so terribly devastated is I'd gone through a hysterectomy four and a half years before so I would no longer have to suffer the pain of multiple surgeries that was endometriosis. Then for four years I kept having the same awful pain (it started back up three weeks after the hyst) but I couldn't convince my doctors that this pain was endometriosis. They kept telling me it wasn't possible to have recurring endometriosis post-hyst & ovary removal and they implied I was lying, drug-seeking or crazy. One doctor even asked if I'd ever heard of Munchausen's Syndrome (where the pt has a psych disorder that makes them want to have surgery over & over). So when they finally figured out I'd obstructed my left ureter six months prior to this obstruction, they apologized for not believing me, said it was really rare &, thankfully, I'd "never have to deal with endometriosis again" -->thus the devastation! It was as close as I've ever come to committing suicide 'coz I felt like I just couldn't live with this unending cycle of pain & surgeries anymore.)

Sure enough, I spent a week in the hospital, had surgery to repair the ureter, then was given a prescription for pain meds to cope with the post-surgical pain & discharged. My brothers & my Dad came up to Milwaukee to move me back out of the apartment ('coz I couldn't work for the next 4-6 weeks so I lost the contract) & down to VG, again. My brothers took the truck with my stuff & I drove home with my dad. I didn't know @ the time you weren't allowed to fill a prescription for narcotics written in Wisconsin outside the state lines. Within three hours, I was throwing up from the severe pain. My dad, knowing all of the above & desperately wanting to help, kept asking me how I was & the car kept going faster & faster. He decided to take a shortcut through some country roads to try to get me home faster. As we're barreling down a dark country road, going 70-75mph, the car headlights suddenly went out! I could hardly see straight from the pain, but I'll never forget how terrified I was as my dad never took his foot off the accelerator & just started banging the dashboard. Sure enough it was a short in the the electrical circuitry & the lights came back on within a moment or two. Now I think back about it & can't help laughing at his audacity! It is also is touching to me 'coz it was so representative of how helpless he felt but how urgently he wanted to do something to make me feel better. I wasn't going to feel any better, pain-wise, when I got home, but it just seemed important to get there & he did his darnedest to get me there! What a dear man he was!

I miss him so much & long to talk to him. I am thankful he is at home with His Lord & Saviour, but I wish I could have gotten to know him better. Most of all, I wish I'd showed him, more clearly, how much I loved him. God knows, though, & I praise Him, for His timing is perfect.

The More Excellent Way

I went to the gospel today at my family’s fellowship hall. My brother, Tim, preached a really excellent gospel on John’s Gospel 13:33-38, and he also read from the end of 2Corinthians 12 and verses in 2Corinthians 13. He spoke about how we are all “on the way”, going someplace. He spoke of how Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. How we need to be taking the “more excellent way” by following Christ, the Lord. I was touched, especially, how in, as my dear brother in Christ, Frank Mutton, used to call it,, the “great love chapter” of 1Corinthians 13, Paul begins by speaking of several things which seem wonderful but are nothing when we don’t have love. He goes on to say, in verse 4, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Then the mighty statement in verse 8, “Love NEVER fails”.

On a practical note, Tim’s word really came home to me as it relates to my work life. I recently tried for two promotions at work and while I was completely accepting when I didn’t get the most recent promotion, I was really hurt and angry when I didn't get the promotion I initially tried for. It seemed to me the young man who was promoted had neither the qualifications or the passion for excellence I live with in my daily work. I was really frustrated and angry when I found he was to be given the job (as café supervisor). Reading through 1Corinthians 13, v. 4-8, I realize, to my utter shame, how I was completely unloving toward this guy. I’ve since been able to accept my manager’s decision to promote him, but it’s been a real struggle. Reading through these verses, however, has brought home how we are called to love one another, even our enemies. I know I need to ask for forgiveness for allowing my hurt and bitterness to affect me in this way. I want to show those I work with the love of God and am thankful for the opportunities He’s given me to do this. Love never fails but I certainly failed in showing love!

Tim also spoke of how this love brings us together as believers in the Body of Christ. It is much stronger than either passion or friendship or anything else we choose to link ourselves together. It transcends “feelings” and is stronger then death because it is of God! Think of what power there is in that simple statement, “Love never fails”! It makes me feel goose-bumpy just to think about it! What a wonder that Christ, our Redeemer, the Rose of Sharon and Ancient of Days, gave His life so we might all be able to share in this uniting, death-defying love! Hallelujah, what a Saviour!

I am so thankful I went out to the Gospel because I was fed so tenderly by the Spirit’s power. Please pray for me that I might continue to go out to meeting, whether on Lord’s Day or during the week, that my fears won’t overwhelm me.

G'ma & Tris & Brin

My mom with Tristan & Brinley when we had a family vacation in Florida last year. This is a classic example of my Mother's daily life. She is constantly opening her arms to help her kids and their kids. Sometimes I think we overlook this self-sacrificing love of hers. All photos not otherwise indicated are taken by myself.

g'ma & Tris & Brin Originally uploaded by ragamuffin.

"Von Guten Machten"--By Kindly Powers Surrounded

This was Pastor Bonhoeffer's last poem.

"By Kindly Powers Surrounded"

1. By kindly powers surrounded, peaceful and true,
wonderfully protected with consolation dear,
safely, I dwell with you this whole day through,
and surely into another year.

2. Though from the old our hearts are still in pain,
while evil days oppress with burdens still,
Lord, give to our frightened souls again,
salvation and thy promises fulfill.

3. And shouldst Thou offer us the bitter cup, resembling
sorrow, filled to the brim and overflowing,
we will receive it thankfully, without trembling,
from Thy hand, so good and ever-loving.

4. But if it be Thy will again to give
joy of this world and bright sunshine,
then in our minds we will past times relive
and all our days be wholly Thine.

5. Let candles burn, both warm and bright,
which to our darkness Thou has brought,
and, if that can be, bring us together in the light,
Thy light shines in the night unsought.

6. When we are wrapped in silence most profound,
may we hear that song most fully raised
from all the unseen world that lies around
and Thou art by all Thy children praised.

7. By kindly powers protected wonderfully,
confident, we wait for come what may.
Night and morning, God is by us, faithfully
and surely at each new born day.

(From "Voices in the Night" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Editor/Translator Edwin Robertson, pg. 123-124)

Another beautiful English courtyard.

This was another of Danny's photos which I thought was excellent with it's use of lines.

floral courtyard Originally uploaded by ragamuffin.

"Jona", by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Jona--The Sacrifice of Jonah

In face of death they screamed and strained
to hold the soaking ropes, creaking in the wind,
and wild scenes appeared, in full horror, behind
the sea's tumultuous waves and forces unrestrained.

"You gods eternal, ever good, who now offense betoken,
save us, or give a sign that we may know
who with secret sins has made you so:
murder, blasphemer, or one whose oath is broken,

one, whose hidden wrongs have brought us to this evil,
that his pride might profit as best it can!"
Thus they prayed and Jonah spoke, "I am the man!
My life is forfeit. I opposed God's will."

"Cast me out, my guilt incurs God's anger still.
The righteous should not perish with wrong!"
They trembled, but their hands were strong
to drop the guilty. And now the sea was still!
(From "Voices in the Night" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, editor & translator Edwin Robertson, pg 115)

He writes allegorically of all Germany was passing through as a country and what his own guilt had brought upon himself, his family and his country. I believe he writes with hope, acceptance and peace, knowing his life was in the Father's hands. This is his last poem from cell 92.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Anyway, when thinking about my friend, I got to thinking about someone by the name of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. For those who don't know him, he was a pastor of the Confessing Church (one of the only protestant churches in Germany during WWII which actively preached against the sins of National Socialism, otherwise know as Nazism). He also spoke out ardently against the treatment of Jews in Germany from 1933 until his death in 1945. He was really just a young man (I'm 38yo, he was only 39yo when he died-->thus my perception of youngness) yet he risked his life daily for his faith and his country. When the Abwehr (the German military intelligence at the time) began to search out ways to depose Hitler, he participated by going to various allied countries. He, ostensibly, was in these countries to preach National Socialism, but instead gave detailed info on what was being done to the Jews in Germany, risking his life in doing so. He also worked with these different countries in an attempt to determine what grace would be shown to Germany as a country if Hitler was to be overthrown. Finally, he joined in an attempt on Hitler's life when it became apparent the Allies would give no promises of charity, viewing this as the only way to save Germany. He was arrested in April of 1943 for "subversion of the armed forces" because he discouraged the young men in his seminary from entering the armed forces. In October of 1944 papers were found showing his role in the assasination attempts so he became a prime target for Hitler. He was moved to different prisons and concentration camps as the allied advance got closer. Finally, on April 9, 1945, at Flossenburg Concentration Camp, he was martyred by hanging. His last words were, "This is the end,--for me the beginning of life." His execution occurred within the sounds of the American artillery, just 21 days prior to Hitler's suicide and 28 days before Germany capitulated.

What does this have to do with engagements, you ask? Pastor Bonhoeffer, at the age of 35, was a scholar deeply involved in what was called "The Jewish Question" at the time (including helping rescue as many Jews as possible from Germany), was trying to save his country via diplomacy, was writing books, etc. He felt he would never fall in love and marry because he was too old and too much of a scholar. In 1941, however, he met Maria von Wedemeyer and they became engaged in 1943, just three months prior to Bonhoeffer's arrest. One of the thing which is so beautiful is how hopeful and encouraging his correspondence was with her. He knew he would have to die for what he came to realize were acts against the laws of God (i.e., his participation in the assassination plot). He also felt his martyrdom was worth it if it saved the life of his country and those he loved. He could have escaped on October 5, 1944 from Tegal Prison (arrangements had all been made) but because of the discovery of the compromising documents, he knew his family and fiance' would be killed if he took the way of escape. Out of his great love for them, to help them live, he chose death.

His love letters from prison (published under the title, "Love Letters from Cell 92") are passionate and articulate. He longed so deeply to be with Maria and have a life together after the war. He wrote in detail about the plans for their wedding, where they would live, and the joy they would have of living the rest of their lives together. Even though he wrote so encouragingly (she was almost fifteen years younger then he & he did his best to keep her spirits up), by the end of 1944 he knew he would not survive. While imprisoned, along with writing "Ethics", he began to write poetry. These poems are beautiful (and can be read in the recently published book, "Voices in the Night" by editor/translator Edwin Robertson); they cry out to God for hope and peace. In two of the last three, "The Death of Moses" and "Jona", he clearly acknowledges his guilt and his peace in knowing his life is in God's hands. As he went from prison to prison and camp to camp, Maria followed, searching desperately for him. In the last poem he ever wrote, written from Prinz Albrecht Strasse @ the Gestapo headquarters, he titles it "By Kindly Powers Surrounded", speaking of the probability of death, but also of the possibility of life. He ends the poem with the conviction "God is by us", that his life was in God's hands.

I was thinking, as I read all of this, how much things have changed. We have worries and concerns, in the present, but it's good to remember what those in the past had to survive. Pastor Bonhoeffer's life is an inspiration to me, to live my life in a way that brings glory to God. I've obviously not had to go through anything approaching what he did, but I believe, earnestly, I can give more of myself to bring the gospel to those I meet, those I work with, strangers on the street, etc.

Engagements

A friend of mine, someone who was especially dear to me when I was growing up, is engaged to be married later this year. I'm not as close to my friend as I once was 'coz we've grown apart (we both left the fellowship we grew up in and he moved across the country). Yet I long for him to have a happy and loving (knowing him as I do, I know he will never lack in loving the person he marries) relationship with his soon to be wife. They are in my prayers daily.

Chinie, chin, chin!

Chinie, chin, chin
Originally uploaded by do2dew.

This is another favorite of mine, 'coz it's just so doggone cute! I can see her thinking, "Hmm, my chin is smooth, his is so bristly, but it's nice & comforting." She'll usually stroke Steve's beard or Michele's hair prior to falling asleep. What a quirky kid!

Photo taken by my brother, Jeff.

My beautiful niece, Brinley

Booful Brin, originally uploaded by do2dew.

I love this photo 'coz her hair just jumps out at you & she has such a sweet, quizzical look on her face. One of the neat things about Brinley is when she's not upset & crying she has the sweetest, softest little voice. (Watch out when she's mad, though, 'coz then it turns into a foghorn!)

Photo taken by Steve & Michele

Keegan the coolest!

This is my cool nephew, Keegan! Doesn't he look so smart & funny! He's got a wicked sense of humor of which I'm often at the brunt-end.

IMG_0057 Originally uploaded by ragamuffin.

Photo taken by Steve & Michele

Steve & Michele & family

Steve&Michele, originally uploaded by ragamuffin.

One of my favorite pictures of Steve & Michele with Keegan, Brinley & Tristan taken last Easter (2003). Cohen wasn't yet "in the picture".

Taken by my brother, Jeff

Fire in my hometown

Last Friday night we had a major fire in our hometown (see my niece, Josie's, blog "http://willingwanderer.blogspot.com/" for photos taken by my nephew, Benjamin). One person was injured from severe smoke-inhalation 'coz he was unwilling to leave the only home he knew; the FD had to break down his door to get to him. The fire also caused another 25 or so elderly veterans to be homeless.

Just heard this am that the only person injured in the fire was taken off life support since he is believed to be brain-dead. In some ways it's a blessing since he didn't want to live, but I've been praying intensely that he came to know the Lord prior to his death. I'm not sure what his spiritual state was but I know he was always anxious to hear my nephews & nieces when they'd come to sing hymns of a Sunday. He passed away on Tuesday.

Elsie & me

This is one of my favorite photos. Elsie & I doing one of the things she loves best--> reading a book. Of course the thing she loves most of all is getting her hands into my "magic candy drawer"! (Being a good nurse, I (& her mom & dad) try to limit candy to a once a week thing.)

Me & Elsie Originally uploaded by ragamuffin.

Huggin' cousins

Cousins, originally uploaded by ragamuffin.

A great photo of Tristan & Elsie giving each other a hug! Taken a year ago or so by my brother, Jeff.

Happy Birthday, Michaela Joy

My friends, Bruce and Cathy, just had their first baby ten days early on July 17. Her name is Michaela Joy and tho' Cathy went through 27 hours of difficult labor, they are so happy she's here.

Before moving to Wheaton from the West Coast, Bruce lived a portion of his adult life in the homosexual lifestyle. After going through a program for Christians wanting to leave this life, he moved to Wheaton. He spent several years on his own, but then Bruce met Cathy through the singles group and through programs they were both involved in to help people in need at the church I used to go to when I lived in Wheaton. He is now attending Wheaton Bible College in the psychology program and is using his personal experience in overcoming this sorrowful way of life to reach out to those in need. I admire his courage more than I can ever say.

Cathy was born to a missionary family in Ecuador and is deeply involved in short-term missions to that country. She is a nurse and teaches at an area hospital, as well as works in that profession. She has been a great example to me of what I'd like to be as a nurse. She is one of the dearest and sweetest people I know. Both she and Bruce had reached a point in their lives where they were convinced they weren't ever going to marry, 'coz they were in their thirties without any hint of meeting and falling in love with another believer. Yet, God in His infinite wisdom, brought them together just as they'd both reached this conclusion and both were content with it. (Who says our Lord doesn't have a sense of humor?)

They were (and are) two of my dearest friends both before and since their marriage and each has shown me exquisite kindness (really, I'm convinced, the kindness of God's own heart) during times when I was lost, alone and afraid. Cathy gave up her own bed for me to sleep in for several days when I had no-where else to go a few years ago, while Bruce was always there with a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. I am so thankful they have found such happiness! Daily they are an example to me of God's wondrous grace in their joy and faithfulness and at overcoming so much. I praise my Father at choosing to bless them both in so many ways but most especially with this longed for child! Please, keep them in your prayers.

Columbine

columbine, originally uploaded by ragamuffin.

Photo of columbine my brother, Dan, took while on a hiking trip in Colorado w/my nephew, Nils.

Jealousy

One of the things I've always wondered about is infertile couples who are jealous of those who have kids. I'm not married (& never have been) but when I was a kid it was my greatest hope to get married in my early twenties & have 8 kids. This dream was shattered, of course, when I was diagnosed with endometriosis @ the age of 19, then had to have a hysterectomy @ 26 due to overwhelming, debilitating pain. For a while, on my doctors' recommendations, I went to a support group called Resolve, for women suffering from endometriosis. I didn't go for very long, however, 'coz it seemed every meeting was spent on talking about how important it was to adopt or have a blond, blue-eyed, perfect, white child. Also, there was so much bitterness expressed, from persons speaking of their anger over friends & relatives "having the child they, themselves, couldn't" to expressions of frustration & rage that these infertile couples could only easily adopt minority children. I kept coming away from the meetings thinking of all those beautiful kids of all races (including special needs) who needed parents and how I'd give my right arm to care for one as my own. Perhaps this feeling came from having cared for so many unwanted & battered children as a pediatric ICU nurse, but I believe it comes from a strong sense of empathy that God has gifted me with (although sometimes it feels like a curse 'coz no-one wants to feel other's pain so readily).

I felt intense sorrow for these infertile couples, because how sad it is to be infertile when one longs for a child of one's own, but mostly I sorrowed over their anger & bitterness. (AND I WANT TO HASTEN TO ADD, ALL INFERTILE COUPLES AREN'T THIS WAY, OBVIOUSLY. Some are happy with the kids God has given them via adoption, etc.) I have never felt jealous of my family & friends' children, but it does cause me to reflect on what might have been. I'd also find myself weeping whole-heartedly whenever I used to see shows with people experiencing birth, etc. A pain-specialist I went to see a few years ago told me the pain of endometriosis is similar to labor. I couldn't help thinking of the irony it is that I should experience this outrageous pain similar to that which God has promised women salvation through, yet I couldn't have the joy of having a child!

Rather then be embittered by it, though, I am thankful for the grace of God that has allowed me to work with kids who've been battered, abused, neglected & thrown away by the world @ large. I can't help feeling how gracious it is of Him to allow me to have a family in that sense. These kids are worthy of being loved just for being kids & gifts from God, & He gave me the opportunity to love them, if only for a short time.

I want to make clear I am not better than anyone else because I don't feel jealous of those who are able to have kids. It's just the Lord has made me different from others. In some ways, I think it is normal to be jealous & angry about infertility, & I know I felt my fair share of anger over having to experience severe pain for so long (& having doctors disbelieve me for much of the time I was in agony). But it is worth it all if I can understand how God is helping me to grow through it all. Again, I don't believe He caused me to suffer in the ways I have, but He has allowed it to happen. If I can be lead to work out my salvation in a deeply personal way through my relationship with Christ, & the knowledge of His intense & personal love for me, then it is worth anything Satan can throw @ me. I can say, as Job does in Job 13:15 "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him."

Back to work

Am due to go back to work tomorrow morning after having a frightening car wreck on Friday evening. Thankfully, because of a car shortage (the car I was using, technically my brother's car, is not drivable & most probably was totaled) I'll be driven to & from work tomorrow by family members. In some ways it's a little irritating 'coz it means I have to stay at work for an hour or so longer than I'd normally do (at 4pm) so my brother can come get me once he gets off work (at 5pm). In other ways, 'tho, it's a blessing 'coz I still feel really afraid about driving.

I'll try to post pictures of the car at some point in the near future. One of the things I'm struggling with is nightmares since the accident, as well as a pattern of thought which keeps reflecting on what would have happened if I'd been on the interstate going 70-80mph. I know I need to focus on how God kept me safe through this trauma, but I guess I'm being somewhat faithless and allowing fears to build up inside me. I know Satan gets the victory if I'm not able to overcome these fears, so am praying desperately for strength & grace to get through these coming days. As the Word says, "For God has not given us a spirit of cowardice, but of power, and of love, and of wise discretion." 2Tim 1:7 (Darby version)

One of the things I find interesting about my "terrible" day on Friday was I left the house that morning feeling a deep sense of loss because I'd meant to read the scriptures as a sort of quiet time prior to going into work. I got busy, tho', so I didn't take the necessary time to do this. I don't think I've ever felt such a strong need for seeking refuge in God's word as I did that morning, yet because I was running late, I chose not to do what my soul was crying out for. I remember thinking, as I was listening to 89.3 (a local Christian station which uses the Moody format), that since I was making a point of listening to Max MacLain read a passage from Revelation in the car on the way to work, perhaps this could count as my 'quiet time'.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't believe I had such a bad day 'coz I didn't read my Bible (I don't think God is vindictive)! I just believe the Holy Spirit was trying to impress on my heart that this would be a day when I really needed the meat of the Word. This thought kept recurring through every bad thing that happened, each time I banged my arms & hands, burned myself, messed up, etc. Yet God is faithful to save, as scripture says and He kept me from severe injury through His angelic care. I guess I wouldn't have had so much fear after the accident if I'd had the comfort of reading the Bible (the ultimate "Comfort Food for the soul").

However, I can still say, with my whole heart, "Praise God from Whom all blessings flow."

Angels watching over me!

I had a really terrible day today to put it mildly. Burned my arm on an espresso wand (I am working as a barista in a coffee-bar/cafe') then ruined a drink for the same customer & burned her sandwich, too. I also messed up several drinks that ended up having to be thrown away. It got so bad my co-workers began teasing me, saying, "Don't buy any lottery tickets tonight, Debbie" & "You'd better just go home & thrown the covers over your head & avoid the rest of this day"! I left work but as I was driving home, I realized I'd left something back @ work, so I had to turn around & go back into work. By this time, I was pretty angry & frustrated to put it mildly!

Well, all of this was nothing compared to what happened next. As I was leaving work for the second time, just before the turn-off to the exit for I-57, I heard a loud bang & I suddenly couldn't steer my car! The car was jerked sharply to the right & I was headed right @ a guard-rail, going 50mph. All I could do was try to brake & turn the wheel as hard as I could so I wouldn't go head-on thru the guard-rail onto the interstate below. The car very gradually (it seemed agonizingly slow but faster then I could think, all @ the same time) turned slightly so I ended up scraping along the side of the guard-rail instead of going thru it.

When I got out of the car I found my right front tire was standing perpendicular to the car & the axel or tie-rod (I'm not sure which) was broken. I tried to flag down some cars going by but nobody would stop. I began to get panicky 'coz I don't have a car phone, but finally a nice young guy pulled over. He loaned me his phone to call the police & to call my brother, Jeff, to come help me. We waited for almost an hour and a half altogether before the police came (Jeff came after about 25 minutes).

I just want to say, first of all, how thankful I am no-one was hurt since there could have easily been a car in the lane next to me). I have a few aches & pains (bruising from the suitbelt on my chest & @ my waist & some pain in my shoulders & neck from whiplash) but am essentially physically fine. As we were driving home, tho, I began to get more & more shaky...in shock. All I could think about was how, by God's grace, I & other drivers were protected. I should have been half-way home going 70-75mph on the interstate, yet because of having to go back to work (what a wonderful sense of humor our Lord has), I was only going 50-55mph on an entrance road. I can't imagine what would have happened (well, I can but am trying not to) if this had occurred on the interstate. I was thrown into full blown panic when another driver swerved in front of my brother on the drive home (after the accident) & he had to slam on the brakes. I've spent most of the time since trembling & teary. Please pray for me 'coz I'm due back @ work in the next day or so & am feeling so terrified I'm uncertain if I can drive.

I guess I want to simply say most people would think this has been a day from the hot place. However, I KNOW with my whole heart, God's angelic care was over me & others today. How can I be anything other than intensely grateful? I think this is one clear example as to why we as Christians shouldn't believe in luck, don't you?

Psalm 73: 21-38

Was reading this psalm the other morning before work & was especially impressed by verses 21-22 which says, "When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you." I was reminded of how many times in my past I've been angry and bitter towards God and towards family. I never realized it during this time of hurt and pain, but I was like a beast or an animal in a trap. My sole focus was on how I could get out of the situation and instead of looking towards Christ and having my focus there, my focus was on myself. I find this is when I am most beast-like because I could only feel the pain and could not see the beauty of what God was doing in allowing me to go through the suffering.

I have found, though, if I am able to look beyond the pain and suffering, I am able to feel the presence of the Father. One extreme example of this was when I was 26yo and going through a total abdominal hysterectomy (i.e., was having my uterus & overies removed because of outrageously severe endometriosis). While I was physically on the operating table, I was under a spinal anesthesia but otherwise fully concious and aware of what was happening. I suddenly felt a tug of pain on my left abdomen which quickly escalated to the most gut-wrenching agony. The anesthesia had worn off of one side of the incision so I was feeling everything the surgeons were doing. I begged them to please stop until the anesthesiologist could get the spinal working again, but I was hemorrhaging so they couldn't stop & rather then scare me with the truth they just didn't reply to my screams. I couldn't do anything 'coz my arms were tied down, so I had to cry out to God. In that moment, I felt the Father's arms around me. It was as if they were physically there. In some ways it was one of the most precious moments of my life and I'd give anything to feel those precious arms again. I've found, though, this only happens during times of deep distress on my part, & when I'm able to look beyond the pain to God.

Psalm 73 finishes with the verses "Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my protion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works." I am filled with adoration to my Lord and Saviour for His love & kindness to me all the days of my life. I am so grateful that I can say, with the psalmist, "Whom have I in heaven but you", Jesus?

Favorite quotes

Just wanted to share some favorite quotes of mine. One of my favorite authors is Frederick Buechner (pronounced "beekner") & he writes, "The best moments of any of us as human beings are those moments when for a little while it is possible to escape the squirrel-cage of being me into the landscape of being us." I love this quote as it is as good an explanation as any as to why I am blogging.

Other quotes from him,
"As much as it is our hope, it is our hopelessness that brings us to church of a Sunday, and any preacher who, whatever else he speaks, does not speak of that hopelessness might as well save his breath." (He is known for his long, convoluted sentences. I love his courage in not being completely grammatically correct.) Buechner

(This is one of my all time favorites...) "One of the blunders religious people are particularly fond of making is the attempt to be more spiritual than God." Buechner

"And the only solution to this (why the wicked seem to prosper) would be that the meaning of earthly existence lies not, as we have grown used to thinking, in prospering, but...in the development of the soul. From that point of view our torturers have been punished most horribly of all: they are turning into swine, they are departing downward from humanity. From that point of view punishment is inflicted on those whose development...holds out hope." Alexander Sozhenitsyn (What a great way of understanding the verse, "Whom the Father loves, He chastens"!)

He could speak from experience having lived many years in the gulags of the Soviet Union because of his faith in Christ. I admire his spirit as an overcomer, having experienced torture yet being able to feel pity for those torturing him. One of the reasons why I think this is such a great quote is that it really blows holes in the idea of the "blessing gospel" which is so prevalent in the US today-->(that if we live rightly as Christians, God will bless us. This in turn implies the opposite is true...If we are going through trials and tribulations, we must have sinned which is not only painful but is most times completely untrue). Solzhenitsyn is extremely interesting to read from this perspective.

Here are some other favorite quotes,

"Men rush toward complexity; but they yearn for simplicity." GK Chesterton
"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." GK Chesterton

On that same note, a quote from another favorite, CS Lewis,

"When you are behaving as if you love someone, you will presently come to love him." CS Lewis

Also, he writes, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts to us in our pain; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." CS Lewis
I love this quote mainly because I've experienced significant pain and suffering in the 38 years I've been on this earth. It comforts me to know that God is speaking to me through this and I am thankful for the grace and empathy He's brought out in me so that through my pain I can care for others more effectively, both as a nurse and a human being.

I have several other quotes that are dear to me but will save them for another time, with two exceptions. The following quotes are from the late Rich Mullins, a singer/song-writer, thealogian, mystic, sinner and most of all a lover of Christ. These quotes are something I hold onto desperately because it is what we should know if we are to call ourselves Christian.

"I think you can profess the Apostles' Creed until Jesus returns, but if you don't love somebody, you never were a Christian." Rich Mullins

"The Bible...is not the pretty little anecdotes mouthed by pious little church mice--it does not so much nibble at our shoe leather as it cuts to the heart and splits the marrow from the bone. It does not give us answers fitted to our small-minded questions, but truth that goes beyond what we ever know to ask." Rich Mullins

I know, for me, these quotes cause me to think and reflect on my personal walk with the Lord Jesus. I long to know even a little of what these men knew out of their longing to know Christ more deeply...

May these quotes encourage you in your walk with Christ and may you seek to read more of their ministry. Most of all I desire that you seek out the Word of God that you might be comforted, strengthened and encouraged. I know this is something I need to do on a continuing basis for my own help...

Lord's Day

Sorry for not writing in this blog for so long. I began to think I was writing for an audience of one (myself) so I lost any desire to write. I guess I'm like anyone else, I want to be heard. I've realized, however, I can write this as a diary and express whatever hopes & dreams I have in a positive way. So here goes...

Well, it's Lord's Day again and here I am not at church, as usual. I feel such a longing to be with other believers and know this is what Christ has called us to do, to be in fellowship with others, but I can't seem to get over the panic I feel every time I try to get ready to go to church. I know this is an attack of Satan's and he's getting the victory over my faith when I allow the panic to take control, but I can't seem to overcome it. If I were just meeting with family members it would be ok, I think, but having to interact with several persons who go to my family's gathering & who aren't family is when I feel this panic. I'm just really terrible at interacting with people I don't know well.

I also am having difficulties because I disagree, doctrinally, with the fellowship my family goes to, yet I have had a sense in the recent past this is where God wants me to be. It's a struggle to know what to do. I know what I need to do is to pray and read the scriptures and God will clarify this for me, but it's hard to overcome my natural mind which uses any excuse to not do these two important things. Anyway, any Christians who are reading this, I would value your prayers that all these fears can be overcome by the grace of God.

I will try to do a better job of writing consistently in this space. Tomorrow I'll tell about my nieces and nephews and some friends of theirs who are coming over tonight to do oral reports about different Mediterranean countries. We'll also be having a dinner in which each of the kids are assigned a country & are making a dish from that place. I can't wait to see what they have to say!

PICU Nurse

I am a licensed RN in the state of Illinois but have not been working as a nurse for the past year or so. Nursing is an extremely tough field to work in and burn-out is frequent. By the grace of God, though, I've been gifted with the ability to write well and this has helped me through some of the really horrible times I've experienced, especially as a pediatric ICU nurse (PICU).

My first job out of college was working at Children's Memorial Medical Center in Chicago, under Dr. Noah, in PICU. What a great hospital this is and what a wonderful teacher Dr. Noah was! I'll never forget my first day on the unit. I was asked to help an experienced nurse care for a 2yo Hispanic boy who'd fallen out of a four story window in a housing project in downtown Chicago. (Unfortunately, this happens frequently enough that we were taught that children falling out of windows was a seasonal thing, occurring during the summer months.)

This poor little one was dying quickly from massive head trauma but his mother wasn't willing to give us permission to stop CPR because she & the boy's father were going through a divorce and she was unable to reach him. It was so awful because the more we pumped fluids into his poor broken body, the faster it poured out from his head wound. What was worse was that doing CPR just pumped it out faster. You can imagine how overwhelmed I felt watching this drama unfold. I wasn't really caring for the boy, just was filling syringe after syringe of albumen to give to the other nurse, so that she could give it through the IV. I also gave whoever was doing chest compressions a break now and then. It was an overwhelmingly helpless feeling to be unable to do anything worthwhile, especially since I'd chosen to work in pediatrics because of my love for kids.

The sorrow I felt while we were doing CPR was nothing compared to the overwhelming sadness I felt once the child was declared dead. This sorrow was exasperated by the family coming in to say goodbye to him, because Hispanic families are so vocal in their sorrow. I found myself trying desperately not to cry because I didn't want my co-workers to think I couldn't take working in this environment. But soon I was surrounded by staff members, patting me on my back and telling me that it was ok to cry, that they all had done so during their first experiences with death. They told me that I'd done well and that it had been a horrible first experience. As I began walking around the unit to shake off the sadness that was gripping me, I saw a bell hung on the wall and under it was a plaque. The plaque had a poem on it. Unfortunately, I can't remember the words, just the essential message which spoke of the PICU being a "ship whose good captain was named Noah". It spoke of the triumphs of overcoming that kids went through in surviving death and going home. Then it spoke of the other triumph, when kids are lost but pass on into the arms of Jesus, overcoming death. It stated the bell was to be rung in both cases (when a child was healed and discharged from the hospital, and when they went to be with our Lord Jesus).

I slowly reached up and rang the bell twice, for each year of this little lovely, broken boy's life. Thus I became a PICU nurse at the finest hospital in Chicago.

First time

Am new @ this & am really uncertain if this is something I want to do on a continuing basis. It's free, tho', so why not? I love writing and express myself best in this way so have to confess that I'm intrigued by the possibilities of this format. Feel the need, as it's such a public way of getting stuff out there, to be prayerfully before the Lord regarding speaking my mind in this way. I want to be used of God & seek to be a blessing to others, if He is willing to use me in that way.