Nephews & Nieces

I've got the nicest, God-honoring nieces & nephews! So far, we're at sixteen, & while I hope this isn't going to be all, it seems pretty likely. I would like to tell you about the four oldest today...

Nils is a 22yo who works for the U. of I. as a computer programmer/trouble-shooter. Nils, as the first of this great bunch, has always been respectful & kind, a friend to many, reaching out to the sad & broken-hearted, inviting friends, coworkers & acquaintances to meeting. He loves photography & back-packing through the mountains with my brother, Dan. Nils also has an earnestness of heart which is beautiful. I've never seen anyone who so longed to do what was right. He is my brother Kevin's oldest.

Britta is next in line at 20yo. She is a tremendous help at home in caring for her younger siblings but is always ready to help persons who need help in the community. Right now she is helping to care for the g'father of friends, who is dying, painfully, of cancer. She helps clean houses for elderly persons in the community who are unable to do this themselves. Britta has always tried to fight for the underdog; it's one of the things I love most about her! She is second in line after Nils, in Kevin's family.

Joe is Kevin's third oldest at 18yo. He became my nephew somewhat late, at the age of 15yo, after suffering the loss of his great-g'mother who had been his sole care-giver & his Mother at heart. He is a wonderful guy who is forever trying his best. One of the things I love in him is how much he tries to come across as a tough guy, but in reality he is a kind & sensitive man. He works up at the U. of I., & generally gets a ride to work with Jeff, my brother. They have a great relationship in which laughter plays an important part. Joe has a fantastic way of bringing out the "sillies" in people!

Josie is 17yo, quickly coming up to 18yo, & is Tim's oldest. She's a wonder with animals & crafts. Since she was thirteen or fourteen, she has both raised & bred goats & used their milk to make & sell soaps at a farmers market in the college town 20 miles north. Her reputation is fantastic in this town because she is so determined to provide a quality product! She is incredibly good at working with animals & hopes to one-day work at the U. of I. as one of their animal care-givers. Josie just came home from Ecuador after a two week stint learning Spanish intensively with my brother, Jeff. Her determination & courage is what I love best about her.

These are the four oldest of my nephews & nieces. I just felt the need to speak about them. I'll tell of the younger ones in the next few days.

Prayer for Steven

Please pray for my brother, Steve. Last year he suffered through a bout with meningitis & ended up going back in the hospital with complication from an infiltrated IV site. He then had several months of severe headaches from a post-meningitis syndrome before finally being diagnosed & treated appropriately. Last week he began having pain in his right upper back & arm which rapidly became excruciating. He was diagnosed with shingles on Thursday of this week.

I just feel so badly for him. It doesn't seem right, his having to go through so much suffering in such a short time. He is the father of four kids, including a teenager and three kids below the age of four. He is the sole provider in his family so they really struggle when he's unable to work. Plus it has been pretty agonizing for him because the kids don't understand how painful this process is so they jump either on him or on the cough next to him. This obviously triggers terrible pain (like ripping off of one long scab from a partially healed wound as it sears up the nerve) each time.

I know he is pretty depressed about going through this struggle once again. Please keep both he & his family, especially his wife, Michele, in your thoughts & prayers. Pray for my mom, as well, because she can't help feeling helpless & sad when she knows her youngest is struggling in this way. My prayer is the Father will be near them both, & wrap His arms of love around about Steven to comfort him & help him know how loved he is. As scripture says, "Whom the Father loves, He chastens." Steven is certainly well-loved from this perspective!

Feeling lots better!

Went to the dentist this (no, yesterday) morning & had 3 (count 'em) teeth pulled. Between a massive infection & problems with bone/mineral loss from osteopenia (a precursor to osteoporosis), I've struggled with broken teeth for several months. Am at the point of needing a partial denture. It's pretty embarrassing to say the least, because not only has it caused me a great deal of pain, I'm starting to look like some old trailer park granny! All I need is a pipe to smoke & I could fit right in down in Tennessee where my twin lives; sitting on a front porch swing, rocking & smoking my corncob pipe. (Pretty scary picture, huh?) I'm walking in faith, though, & know that God knows how distressful this is to me. Thankfully, I feel His nearness through this time & know my life is in His safe & loving hands.

I sometimes worry about finding a "real" job, 'coz no-one would want to hire someone with my appearance. If I could only stop smiling so much, or at least learn to do it with my mouth closed! Unfortunately(?) I've been gifted with too good a sense of humor & can't stop myself from grinning & laughing when I'm at my current job. I can't help finding joy in little things & so am left with this stupid gap-tooth grin. Oh well...

When I think of all the surgeries I've been through & all the pain I've suffered through in my adult life, having a gaps in my smile is a small thing. It's funny, though, how the small things get to me! When I was at the dentist, he wanted to give me a prescription for pain meds but I told him I thought I'd be ok since I'd been putting up with this horrendous pain for six days ('coz his office wouldn't give me an appt. until yesterday). Sure enough, I'm doing well with just Advil & my usual chronic pain medicine. Stupidly, my fear of having these teeth pulled & how I would look afterward is what put me off from seeing the dentist these past few months. I'm much more bothered by how I look now, then by all the pain I was in before. I never thought I was so vain! It's good to learn these things about one's self.

Thank You, my dearest Heavenly Father, for watching over me & being so near me during these last several pain-filled days. Thank You for Your grace & the love you've shown me throughout my life & thank You for making me see my life is in Your hands! I love You & adore You & long to be in Your presence some day. Thank You for all the gifts You give in each day. Help me to have eyes to see the beauty of Your creation. How can I not worship You? In Your Son's precious & holy Name.

Quote of the year!

"No medal is as beautiful as a friendship.''
Statement made by Marcus Rogan, of Austria, after losing the gold medal & getting silver, instead, in the 200m backstroke. His friend, America's Aaron Piersol, came in first but was disqualified then reinstated.

I'm a big baby...but it's ok!

I can't help wondering sometimes what God is trying to teach me when He allows me to be in this screamingly unbearable pain. I know it casts me upon Him, in prayer, & this is good, but when it continues for days on end, I find myself losing faith. It's hard not to be frightened... I know my life is in His hands & HIs Spirit lives within me so no matter what happens I will be kept safe whether on this side of Heaven or on the other. It's funny 'coz I like to think I'm really tough because I live with severe pain daily, yet when this extra pain happens, I feel like such a baby!!

Being a baby, though, is a good thing, even though, in saying I feel like a baby, I am truly mocking myself. Yet, in thinking about babyhood, I have come to appreciate the fact that they are totally dependent on those who love them. They have to be held, fed & loved in uncountable ways. How wonderful this is!! It is the way we should be in relation to God; cast completely on Jesus, "The Leader & Completer of Faith" (as scripture says). Perhaps this is the answer to the question, “Why”. It’s always a good, no, a triumphant, thing to be cast on Christ Jesus.

In realizing this, I can thank my Heavenly Father for His great love for me. As the scripture in James says, “Give thanks in all things.” It’s important to realize that most translations use this interpretation, NOT ‘for all things’. Sometimes there are times when we just can’t give thanks for something, but we can always give thanks in our circumstances, no matter how painful. If nothing else, we can give thanks for a beautiful sunrise, for eyes to see it, for life to live in this lovely creation of God’s. It doesn’t make the pain or suffering go away, but it helps me to see outside of myself, to focus my eyes on the Physician, God & Father, our Rose of Sharon, Alpha & Omega, the Beginning & the End, Ancient of Days, my dearest Abba. All of these wonderful names meaning God!

Thank You, dearest Father & Friend for being with me through this time of suffering. Thank You for my family, for friends, for all those who care about me. Thank You for the sun’s rising & setting, & all the beauty You show to us everyday. Most of all, thank You for the gift of Your precious, only Son. (A gift made so all those who love You & give their lives to You can become sons, too; by adoption!) How You must love us to have done this; to have shown Your love in such a way! Please give me eyes to see the wonder of Your creation. Help me to glorify You in all that I do despite the circumstances because You alone are worthy of glory & praise & adoration. I love You with all of me!

Cool postings continue from Ecuador

Just briefly wanted to say my niece, Josie, is one of the neatest people I know! She is in Ecuador with my brother, her Uncle Jeff, & has taken to writing her experiences in her blog (click title to this post). Her way of seeing things & expressing what she sees in writing make it become real for the reader. They've had some really interesting things happen & I'm really glad she's chosen to write in this way instead of waiting 'til she comes home. This way, everything she sees is fresh & vivid. She's done a great deal of travelling world-wide for someone her age. Check out what she has to say!

Sensitivity

One of the things I've found interesting about blogging is how much I care about whether people read what I write or not! I’m not sure why this is; maybe a desire for immortality or just to be heard? Who knows? It does get dreadfully lonely sometimes when I write for days on end & never get feedback. This is especially difficult when I know how many family members & friends are reading it. But then I began to think “Maybe I’ve bored them to such an extreme they can no longer tolerate reading it!” What is especially bothersome to me is, WHY do I let it worry me? Why can’t I find contentment in writing for writing's sake? After all, one of the reasons I started blogging was to journal on-line & I certainly don’t go around reading my journal out loud to family & friends!

In some ways, I’m ashamed by these feelings; the longing to have people read what I’ve written from my heart. I’m afraid that if I were truly writing from my heart, without the intention of impressing others, then I wouldn’t care if anyone read my postings. I can't help thinking, what if my desire for an audience comes out of an unspoken yearning to awe people with my depth, spirituality, goodness, wisdom, thoughtfulness, etc., etc. (The very thought of this makes me blush!)

Originally, when I thought of writing on-line, as well as being able to honestly journal my thoughts & fears, I ached to be able to reach out to others with the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ, through relating my own experiences, those which brought me into deeper relationship with Him. To tell the Truth, by the power of the Holy Spirit within me! I yearned to boast only in the Cross of Christ, our Lord (as the wonderful old hymn says). This ache is unchanged & my prayer continues to be that persons will read the words in this blog, realize the “God-shaped hole” which is inside of them, come to an understanding of their need for the Saviour and seek out those who can help them come to the Lord.

Burundi Massacre

Was reading an article in the BBC about the massacre of refugees at a camp in Burundi. Those killed were Tutsis (mainly woman & children) and Burundi Hutus have claimed responsibility. I find myself crying out, "Why?" All these people wanted was to find a place of refuge from the suffering they'd found in their own country (Congo DR). I can't understand the mentality of persons who go to a place such as this to murder persons, especially when those persons are the most vulnerable. Perhaps it's because there is poor security in these camps so it is easier to go there to kill one's perceived enemy, yet how does one even tolerate the thought that this is appropriate behavior?

I find myself crying out to God, asking Him to protect these people. I also pray that all parties look back & learn from the torment & distress of the massacres occurring just ten years ago in Rwanda; massacres of which thousands of people are still suffering the consequences. It’s hard not to be moved to tears when I read of man’s inhumanity to man. How is it we’re unable to learn from history? Sometimes I wonder if this is because we refuse to allow ourselves to read about or learn about these terrible acts because we don’t want to “focus on the negative”.

I believe with my whole heart, as Christians, we are required to feel this pain not avoid it. If we avoid it we are protecting ourselves, yes, but we’re also avoiding the anguish that works on our hearts & forces us to act. Have been reading a book called, “After the Darkness”, a sort of photo-journal with pictures & stories from those who survived the Holocaust. (In reading the book I found out the meaning of the work Holocaust, which means “burnt offering”. How poignant!) The book also has passages written by the great historian, Elie Wiesel, who lived through this time period as a teenager, surviving to give testimony to what was done to himself, his family & his people. In some ways, his sole desire was to forget all he’d been through, but he found the courage to stand up & speak the truth. He chose to daily live through the pain of his memories so others would never forget! This is why I feel it’s important not to “focus on the negative” but to be willing to suffer the pain of the knowledge of evil being done in this world. As scripture speaks of, we need to “pray intelligently” & we can only do this when we have the knowledge of what to pray about.

Updates from Ecuador

Just wanted to let everyone know that Josie has another great update from Ecuador on her site (http://willingwanderer.blogspot.com).

Our Great Intercessor

Would ask for your prayers as I have a terrible toothache which started last night & has grown worse through the day. Unfortunately it is hard for me not to become grumpy when I have this extra pain. I live with a certain level of pain on a daily basis which my doctor treats with a powerful narcotic used for chronic pain. However, when the pain becomes more severe or if another pain starts up (like this horrendous toothache) I find myself feeling really desperate. It's amazing. I've learned from extensive personal experience, the human body can put up with incredible levels of pain for prolonged periods of time. Yet add just a little more on top of that tolerated level & it's as though the floodgates open up & I am overwhelmed! It's times like these when I understand persons who commit suicide because of intolerable pain though I find it deeply & personally abhorrent. It's hard not to let the tiredness I feel at fighting this daily war become all consuming. Just giving up seems an intelligent alternative, though when I'm at my normal pain level I could never imagine doing this.

The beauty of this desperation is it causes me to be cast on God. There is nothing I can do except pray. Why this is so beautiful is I feel a deep sense of the Lord's nearness when this happens &, for a time, the pain becomes tolerable again. Plus, I get to feel the wonder of His presence; the presence of the One who gave His life for me. These times of nearness to my dearest Saviour & Friend help me to understand the scripture in Hebrews 5:8 which says, "though he were Son, he learned obedience from the things which he suffered;", referring to the Lord Jesus. I used to wonder what was meant in this verse but I've a deeper understanding of it since going through this pain process. It wasn't that our Lord & Redeemer needed to LEARN obedience (obviously He spent His whole life in obedience to the Father) but He chose to put Himself in that place to be able to completely empathize with our suffering. There is another verse which speaks of Him sitting at the right hand of the Father offering Himself as Intercessor. I find this so comforting because it's through His suffering and death and resurrection that He chose to be our Intercessor. How can we not cry out in adoration to Him?!

The "Left Behind" books

I work at a bookstore in a nearby town so get to read lots of great books w/o having to pay for them (sort of a lending library situation). I've had the opportunity to read through the "Left Behind" series over these past few years and really liked the fact that the Gospel was presented on almost every page of the books. It bothered me, though, thinking of the scripture in Revelations 22:18 which says, "I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book; if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book." I heard Messrs. LaHaye & Jenkins on the radio once when they were on the Larry King show. Someone called in & referred to this scripture & asked what they thought of this. They both said they weren't adding to scripture because the series was entirely fictional & the events described are their own interpretation of what scripture says.

I wasn't too concerned about this, honestly, until I read the last book, "The Glorious Appearing" (this book describes the Lord's millennial return). I found myself deeply disturbed by their description of these events. Even though they are careful to have the Lord's words be scripture quotations, I felt uneasy with the whole idea of attempting to describe something which is truly beyond description! Also, to attempt to put into words what He will look and sound like to His saints feels belittling. Just the very act of attempting to put into words details which even scripture leaves out feels sacrilegious, sort of a "Tower of Babel" using words. Many people are confused by the book of Revelations (from which many of the events in this series is taken), yet what is described in Revelations regarding the end times is meant to be a mystery because it is beyond our power to know.

As Christians we speak of "The Mystery" (that which there is in scripture which is not easily understood). A lot of this Mystery occurs in Revelation mainly because what is to happen in the end times is so indescribable. I believe God in His holiness, grace & wisdom has allowed us to be unclear/uncertain about what is to come after the Rapture because it's not something we really need to know other then what He's written in Revelation & in other prophetic books of the Bible. We don't need details because He is in control. It's my belief (& this is knowledge obtained from personal experience) we only want to know specifics and detail because we feel more in control this way. I've always felt I'd be more comfortable when I'm in control of things, yet this cannot compare with the deeper peace & a joy which comes from giving control over to God. I don't know why this is true; it just is. It's a another of God's wondrous mysteries.

Cool web-site

Found a link to a great web-site on my sister-at-heart's blog, http://mythyme.blogspot.com, called "Daily Dose of Imagery". It's by a Toronto photographer & he posts photos he's taken daily on this photoblog (click on this posting title to see the site for yourself). He's use of textures, shadows & lighting is absolutely amazing! I especially love photos he's taken in an abandoned psychiatric hospital. It's one of the coolest blogs I've ever seen. Check it out for yourself!

The Love of God

Was thinking recently of how God loves us deeply and tenderly, as the hymn says, it's a love "that will not let us go". Most of us think of God being a far off deity (after all we can't see or touch Him), yet because of His intense & wondrous love, He sent His ONLY Son to die for our sins on the cross. A lot of people who've seen the Mel Gibson movie, "The Passion", have spoken about how gory the movie was, yet they don't understand what was shown was only a small part of our Lord Jesus' suffering. His physical suffering was, of course, intense, but the suffering He experienced when the Father separated Himself from His Son for those three hours was for more terrible. We don't often think of this, how much it cost both the Father and His Son. I think it's worth thinking about because it's a measure of Christ's love for us. He gave not only His body but all of Himself in that sacrifice.

I was reminded of this when reading Josie's blog for today where she quotes the hymn, "O Patient Spotless One". It is a lovely expression of His life and the adoration both it and His death bring to my heart when I reflect on it.

Elsie sayings...

Had to giggle today when I asked my niece, Elsie, (who's 3yo) where her sister, Josie, was. She replied, "Out da door"! I wasn't sure I heard correctly so I asked, "Out the door?", and she replied, "Yeah", as though I were stupid to think anything else. Josie, of course, is in ECUADOR, not "Out da door"! It got me thinking about how confused poor Els must be about Josie's whereabouts...

The Book of the Dun Cow

Have been re-reading a really great story called "The Book of the Dun Cow" by Walt Wangerin, Jr. It's a lovely story of faith lost then found again, of the meek sacrificing himself to save those he loves, of deepest grief & loss overcome by joy & hope, of earth-shattering darkness & evil overpowered by love & light. It's one of those books where each time you read it you get more out of it. (To me, this is the hallmark of a classic story.)

It's similar in writing to "Animal Farm" because Wangerin tells these great Truths through the lives of animals. As well as being a wonderful author, Mr. Wangerin is a pastor so his stories are filled with biblical truths. I love the earthiness he brings to these stories because it rings so true to what is real life. I've especially loved his short stories which are from his own life experiences as a white pastor of a black congregation in East St. Louis, including, "Miz Lil, and the Chronicles of Grace", "Ragman, and Other Cries of Faith" (this book contains my all-time favorite allegory-->"Ragman", read it if you can 'coz it will bless you!), "The Manger is Empty", and the devotional, "Preparing for Jesus". I recommend all of these books highly & know they can be ordered from any library or bookstore (although some may be out of print). My favorites are "Ragman" and "The Manger is Empty".

I recommend these books because they have been such a blessing to me in my walk with God.

Another note from Ecuador

Check out my niece's blog by clicking on the title of this blog. She has posted another note from Quito describing her day there. It's so neat to hear her views, etc. I'm so proud of her for being such a great person & a special niece! Check out her blog (http://willingwanderer.blogspot.com)

Hearing from Ecuador!

Was really excited when I found a few minutes ago that my niece, Josie, had blogged from Ecuador! We hadn't heard whether Jeff & Jos had even arrived, so it was a wonderful surprise to see her note. I've asked her to try & journal a sort of travelogue if she gets the chance, so check out her site, if you get a chance. Check out her entry by clicking on the title to this post!

Trip to Ecaudor

My niece, Josie, and my brother, Jeff, are going to Ecuador this week for an intensive study course in Spanish. They are staying with a Christian family in Quito and are really excited about the trip! I can't help feeling a little jealous but am glad for them as well. Josie has worked hard this summer and she had to be at home most of the Spring while her brother, Ben, was up in Canada visiting cousins. Josie has several goats she raises and then milks to make soap and lotions to sell at our local farmer's market. Our family has been blessed in that way, because each of my nieces & nephews are all hard working. Sometimes I worry they don't know how to play enough!

Jeff, too, is really deserving of this trip. He works hard at his full-time job at the university, but also does a tremendous amount for our family and for those in our local area. I have personally benefited from his love & concern. After having several surgeries, developing severe chronic pain, losing jobs as a result, etc., I was finding it increasingly difficult to manage on my own. I stayed a year or so with my eldest brother & his wife & kids but I couldn't make it work due to a struggle with severe depression. K. & P. were (& are) so kind to me & I repaid them by keeping myself shut up in my room. (Now, I feel ashamed to go over there because I can never apologize enough for how I treated them. I just couldn't get past the profound depression I felt. This made it extremely difficult to be with others, including the kids, whom I dearly love.) After trying to make it on my own (& failing miserably) in a town nearby, living in an apartment, Jeff offered my dad's old room to me. He helped me by purchasing a car for me to use, allowing me to live in his home rent-free, and allowing me to have space to be on my own, if I'm in need of this.

These things are just a small part of what he does. He's always searching for ways to help others out. I'm thankful to have him for my brother. I dearly love each of my brothers, & my sister, but always felt at a distance to Jeff (I think because he is naturally quiet). Living in his home has helped me to see him in a different light & I daily give thanks for God's grace in putting me in this place and for the work He's done in Jeff's heart.

"I'm Shy, Mary Ellen, I'm Shy"

I've found, in my old age, I've gotten increasingly shy of persons I don't know well. I was always extremely shy but growing up in the Christian Fellowship that I did made it easier because we all knew each other pretty well from the time I was old enough to break bread. Now it is agonizing for me to go out to meeting. I believe my shyness is something Satan is using to keep me from what is spiritually healthy & nurturing, but knowing this doesn't make the struggle easier. Part of the reason I believe this is so is I'm not as shy at work, and am able to be bubbly & outgoing in that environment. It's just the idea of meeting others in the context of church that is difficult for me. If you think about it, church is a deeply personal (or should be) environment; that is what draws us to it. Unfortunately, it is this aspect that I find to be such a struggle. I long to know others in this personal & loving way which is the Body of Christ and is Christian fellowship, yet I panic at the thought.

When I think about wanting to meet other people but being too shy, I'm reminded of a song my brother, Jeff, used to sing in a high falsetto when we were kids. (It was one he got from a British comedy cassette we somehow acquired, which contained this song about a guy who was too shy to date the girl he loved.) He'd sing, "I'm shy, Mary Ellen, I'm shy. It does seem so naughty, oh my!" I can't remember the rest of the song, but thinking of it takes the hurt and shame I feel out of not being as confident and out-going as I'd like. I know I am loved by God "Just as I am" as the old hymn says, and He is helping me to overcome the fear & panic.

What's hard for me, too, is the guilt I feel over not being with my family in this environment as much as they'd like me to be. I know, though, this too, is in the Father's hands. I am thankful He has brought me "safe thus far" to quote another of my favorite hymns!

Memories of My Dad

I've been thinking of my Dad a lot recently; am not sure why. I was passing a car on the interstate the other morning on the way to work and saw this guy with his arm hanging out the window exactly like my father used to do. His arm was big & strong, just like my Dad's, so I almost felt the need to look into the window to make sure it wasn't him! I can't help thinking of how young he was when he died and what joy he got out of life. He was the kindest man I ever knew and this is saying a great deal because I knew some wonderful men who were great mentors when I was growing up in our Christian fellowship.

My Dad oftentimes made me extremely angry, and he had these habits which I found EXTREMELY annoying (like sucking his teeth, digging at his toenails with a pocket knife, driving like a bat out of the hot place, etc.) What's funny is I catch myself doing these things sometimes (NOT digging at my toenails, but the other stuff). He was always so concerned for me and seemed almost to physically suffer when I was going through periods of great pain, surgery, hospitalizations, etc., etc.

I remember one time when I'd had to have major emergency surgery up in Wisconsin. I had gone up to Milwaukee to start a job as a PICU RN, working a thirteen week contract. I went up a few days early so I could move into my apartment, and the night before I was due to start work, endometriosis implants obstructed the tube between my right kidney & bladder (this tube is called a ureter). It was HORRENDOUSLY painful! (Think of someone ripping open your back & knifing you over & over in the kidney.) I managed to drive myself to the ER, knowing that I'd have to have major surgery only six months after the last major surgery, 'coz this same thing had happened then, only it was the left ureter/kidney/bladder. I was absolutely devastated besides being in the kind of pain where you can only rock back & forth & moan "Help me, help me. Please, Lord, help me!"

(Part of the reason I was so terribly devastated is I'd gone through a hysterectomy four and a half years before so I would no longer have to suffer the pain of multiple surgeries that was endometriosis. Then for four years I kept having the same awful pain (it started back up three weeks after the hyst) but I couldn't convince my doctors that this pain was endometriosis. They kept telling me it wasn't possible to have recurring endometriosis post-hyst & ovary removal and they implied I was lying, drug-seeking or crazy. One doctor even asked if I'd ever heard of Munchausen's Syndrome (where the pt has a psych disorder that makes them want to have surgery over & over). So when they finally figured out I'd obstructed my left ureter six months prior to this obstruction, they apologized for not believing me, said it was really rare &, thankfully, I'd "never have to deal with endometriosis again" -->thus the devastation! It was as close as I've ever come to committing suicide 'coz I felt like I just couldn't live with this unending cycle of pain & surgeries anymore.)

Sure enough, I spent a week in the hospital, had surgery to repair the ureter, then was given a prescription for pain meds to cope with the post-surgical pain & discharged. My brothers & my Dad came up to Milwaukee to move me back out of the apartment ('coz I couldn't work for the next 4-6 weeks so I lost the contract) & down to VG, again. My brothers took the truck with my stuff & I drove home with my dad. I didn't know @ the time you weren't allowed to fill a prescription for narcotics written in Wisconsin outside the state lines. Within three hours, I was throwing up from the severe pain. My dad, knowing all of the above & desperately wanting to help, kept asking me how I was & the car kept going faster & faster. He decided to take a shortcut through some country roads to try to get me home faster. As we're barreling down a dark country road, going 70-75mph, the car headlights suddenly went out! I could hardly see straight from the pain, but I'll never forget how terrified I was as my dad never took his foot off the accelerator & just started banging the dashboard. Sure enough it was a short in the the electrical circuitry & the lights came back on within a moment or two. Now I think back about it & can't help laughing at his audacity! It is also is touching to me 'coz it was so representative of how helpless he felt but how urgently he wanted to do something to make me feel better. I wasn't going to feel any better, pain-wise, when I got home, but it just seemed important to get there & he did his darnedest to get me there! What a dear man he was!

I miss him so much & long to talk to him. I am thankful he is at home with His Lord & Saviour, but I wish I could have gotten to know him better. Most of all, I wish I'd showed him, more clearly, how much I loved him. God knows, though, & I praise Him, for His timing is perfect.

The More Excellent Way

I went to the gospel today at my family’s fellowship hall. My brother, Tim, preached a really excellent gospel on John’s Gospel 13:33-38, and he also read from the end of 2Corinthians 12 and verses in 2Corinthians 13. He spoke about how we are all “on the way”, going someplace. He spoke of how Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. How we need to be taking the “more excellent way” by following Christ, the Lord. I was touched, especially, how in, as my dear brother in Christ, Frank Mutton, used to call it,, the “great love chapter” of 1Corinthians 13, Paul begins by speaking of several things which seem wonderful but are nothing when we don’t have love. He goes on to say, in verse 4, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Then the mighty statement in verse 8, “Love NEVER fails”.

On a practical note, Tim’s word really came home to me as it relates to my work life. I recently tried for two promotions at work and while I was completely accepting when I didn’t get the most recent promotion, I was really hurt and angry when I didn't get the promotion I initially tried for. It seemed to me the young man who was promoted had neither the qualifications or the passion for excellence I live with in my daily work. I was really frustrated and angry when I found he was to be given the job (as café supervisor). Reading through 1Corinthians 13, v. 4-8, I realize, to my utter shame, how I was completely unloving toward this guy. I’ve since been able to accept my manager’s decision to promote him, but it’s been a real struggle. Reading through these verses, however, has brought home how we are called to love one another, even our enemies. I know I need to ask for forgiveness for allowing my hurt and bitterness to affect me in this way. I want to show those I work with the love of God and am thankful for the opportunities He’s given me to do this. Love never fails but I certainly failed in showing love!

Tim also spoke of how this love brings us together as believers in the Body of Christ. It is much stronger than either passion or friendship or anything else we choose to link ourselves together. It transcends “feelings” and is stronger then death because it is of God! Think of what power there is in that simple statement, “Love never fails”! It makes me feel goose-bumpy just to think about it! What a wonder that Christ, our Redeemer, the Rose of Sharon and Ancient of Days, gave His life so we might all be able to share in this uniting, death-defying love! Hallelujah, what a Saviour!

I am so thankful I went out to the Gospel because I was fed so tenderly by the Spirit’s power. Please pray for me that I might continue to go out to meeting, whether on Lord’s Day or during the week, that my fears won’t overwhelm me.

G'ma & Tris & Brin

My mom with Tristan & Brinley when we had a family vacation in Florida last year. This is a classic example of my Mother's daily life. She is constantly opening her arms to help her kids and their kids. Sometimes I think we overlook this self-sacrificing love of hers. All photos not otherwise indicated are taken by myself.

g'ma & Tris & Brin Originally uploaded by ragamuffin.

"Von Guten Machten"--By Kindly Powers Surrounded

This was Pastor Bonhoeffer's last poem.

"By Kindly Powers Surrounded"

1. By kindly powers surrounded, peaceful and true,
wonderfully protected with consolation dear,
safely, I dwell with you this whole day through,
and surely into another year.

2. Though from the old our hearts are still in pain,
while evil days oppress with burdens still,
Lord, give to our frightened souls again,
salvation and thy promises fulfill.

3. And shouldst Thou offer us the bitter cup, resembling
sorrow, filled to the brim and overflowing,
we will receive it thankfully, without trembling,
from Thy hand, so good and ever-loving.

4. But if it be Thy will again to give
joy of this world and bright sunshine,
then in our minds we will past times relive
and all our days be wholly Thine.

5. Let candles burn, both warm and bright,
which to our darkness Thou has brought,
and, if that can be, bring us together in the light,
Thy light shines in the night unsought.

6. When we are wrapped in silence most profound,
may we hear that song most fully raised
from all the unseen world that lies around
and Thou art by all Thy children praised.

7. By kindly powers protected wonderfully,
confident, we wait for come what may.
Night and morning, God is by us, faithfully
and surely at each new born day.

(From "Voices in the Night" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Editor/Translator Edwin Robertson, pg. 123-124)

Another beautiful English courtyard.

This was another of Danny's photos which I thought was excellent with it's use of lines.

floral courtyard Originally uploaded by ragamuffin.

"Jona", by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Jona--The Sacrifice of Jonah

In face of death they screamed and strained
to hold the soaking ropes, creaking in the wind,
and wild scenes appeared, in full horror, behind
the sea's tumultuous waves and forces unrestrained.

"You gods eternal, ever good, who now offense betoken,
save us, or give a sign that we may know
who with secret sins has made you so:
murder, blasphemer, or one whose oath is broken,

one, whose hidden wrongs have brought us to this evil,
that his pride might profit as best it can!"
Thus they prayed and Jonah spoke, "I am the man!
My life is forfeit. I opposed God's will."

"Cast me out, my guilt incurs God's anger still.
The righteous should not perish with wrong!"
They trembled, but their hands were strong
to drop the guilty. And now the sea was still!
(From "Voices in the Night" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, editor & translator Edwin Robertson, pg 115)

He writes allegorically of all Germany was passing through as a country and what his own guilt had brought upon himself, his family and his country. I believe he writes with hope, acceptance and peace, knowing his life was in the Father's hands. This is his last poem from cell 92.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Anyway, when thinking about my friend, I got to thinking about someone by the name of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. For those who don't know him, he was a pastor of the Confessing Church (one of the only protestant churches in Germany during WWII which actively preached against the sins of National Socialism, otherwise know as Nazism). He also spoke out ardently against the treatment of Jews in Germany from 1933 until his death in 1945. He was really just a young man (I'm 38yo, he was only 39yo when he died-->thus my perception of youngness) yet he risked his life daily for his faith and his country. When the Abwehr (the German military intelligence at the time) began to search out ways to depose Hitler, he participated by going to various allied countries. He, ostensibly, was in these countries to preach National Socialism, but instead gave detailed info on what was being done to the Jews in Germany, risking his life in doing so. He also worked with these different countries in an attempt to determine what grace would be shown to Germany as a country if Hitler was to be overthrown. Finally, he joined in an attempt on Hitler's life when it became apparent the Allies would give no promises of charity, viewing this as the only way to save Germany. He was arrested in April of 1943 for "subversion of the armed forces" because he discouraged the young men in his seminary from entering the armed forces. In October of 1944 papers were found showing his role in the assasination attempts so he became a prime target for Hitler. He was moved to different prisons and concentration camps as the allied advance got closer. Finally, on April 9, 1945, at Flossenburg Concentration Camp, he was martyred by hanging. His last words were, "This is the end,--for me the beginning of life." His execution occurred within the sounds of the American artillery, just 21 days prior to Hitler's suicide and 28 days before Germany capitulated.

What does this have to do with engagements, you ask? Pastor Bonhoeffer, at the age of 35, was a scholar deeply involved in what was called "The Jewish Question" at the time (including helping rescue as many Jews as possible from Germany), was trying to save his country via diplomacy, was writing books, etc. He felt he would never fall in love and marry because he was too old and too much of a scholar. In 1941, however, he met Maria von Wedemeyer and they became engaged in 1943, just three months prior to Bonhoeffer's arrest. One of the thing which is so beautiful is how hopeful and encouraging his correspondence was with her. He knew he would have to die for what he came to realize were acts against the laws of God (i.e., his participation in the assassination plot). He also felt his martyrdom was worth it if it saved the life of his country and those he loved. He could have escaped on October 5, 1944 from Tegal Prison (arrangements had all been made) but because of the discovery of the compromising documents, he knew his family and fiance' would be killed if he took the way of escape. Out of his great love for them, to help them live, he chose death.

His love letters from prison (published under the title, "Love Letters from Cell 92") are passionate and articulate. He longed so deeply to be with Maria and have a life together after the war. He wrote in detail about the plans for their wedding, where they would live, and the joy they would have of living the rest of their lives together. Even though he wrote so encouragingly (she was almost fifteen years younger then he & he did his best to keep her spirits up), by the end of 1944 he knew he would not survive. While imprisoned, along with writing "Ethics", he began to write poetry. These poems are beautiful (and can be read in the recently published book, "Voices in the Night" by editor/translator Edwin Robertson); they cry out to God for hope and peace. In two of the last three, "The Death of Moses" and "Jona", he clearly acknowledges his guilt and his peace in knowing his life is in God's hands. As he went from prison to prison and camp to camp, Maria followed, searching desperately for him. In the last poem he ever wrote, written from Prinz Albrecht Strasse @ the Gestapo headquarters, he titles it "By Kindly Powers Surrounded", speaking of the probability of death, but also of the possibility of life. He ends the poem with the conviction "God is by us", that his life was in God's hands.

I was thinking, as I read all of this, how much things have changed. We have worries and concerns, in the present, but it's good to remember what those in the past had to survive. Pastor Bonhoeffer's life is an inspiration to me, to live my life in a way that brings glory to God. I've obviously not had to go through anything approaching what he did, but I believe, earnestly, I can give more of myself to bring the gospel to those I meet, those I work with, strangers on the street, etc.