Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Wow, it's been a long time!

It's been way too long since I legitimately blogged (rather than cheating a bit by blogging photos). Part of the problem is I seem to be perpetually discouraged, from a spiritual standpoint. It's my fault because instead of focusing on my Lord and Saviour, I am looking everywhere else. I've recently gotten taken up with books which are unhealthy for me, from a spiritual perspective and, I think, morally, as well. It's funny but they were books I once found myself laughing about and wondering why anyone would read them, but I've found it to be like candy to the mind. While reading them wouldn't be bad in moderation, it's become an unhealthy excess.

I have so much to thank God for, especially in recent days. One of these things is a new mattress topper on my bed that's helped me to be able to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time-->am sleeping up to four hours without waking! (I've settled for sleeping not more than 90 minutes without waking for the past fifteen years, so you can see why this is a big thing for me.) I also had been accused of wrongdoing at a previous job and because of this, my nursing license was under investigation. Thankfully, I was found to have done nothing wrong, after two years of limbo and uncertainty, so I feel as though a great weight has been lifted from me. I've started a new part-time, per diem, job at the University of Illinois which gives me satisfaction (although not much money, yet). I have a loving family who've sustained and supported me throughout years of pain, surgery and frustration with chronic illness. With all of these things, why do I feel so unhappy?

I have such a longing to be near to God, to feel His presence. It's funny but when I left the fellowship I'd belonged to all my life twelve years ago, I felt more at peace than I do now. Yes, I felt lost, lonely and afraid (because I'd lost not only my life-long friends but many of my relatives, as well, because I was "out of Fellowship"), but, in my lost state, I became completely reliant on Jesus. My relationship with Him was more living and vibrant than it had ever been. I'd finally found what it meant to have a 'personal relationship' with the Lord Jesus. I believe He came in, in the way of tremendous blessing, during that time of such sorrow and loss, a time which, in some ways, was more agonizing than my daily bouts with chronic, physical pain.

In some ways the loneliness has never gone away. Yet the nearness and vibrancy of my relationship with Christ has grown cold. Don't get me wrong! I'm completely and utterly to blame, yet I feel at such a loss as to how to get it back! What I must do is turn back and began taking up the small steps which lead to Life in the Spirit, like daily times of communion with God, reading the scriptures, and, most of all, I think the Father is trying to show me my need for others in the Little Flock. Please pray for me in this regard...

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