Saturday, October 20, 2007
I long to be a normal happy and productive Auntie who can spend all the time she and they want with her nieces and nephews and great-nephew. Yet pain is exhausting and I can’t seem to ever find the energy to do much more than get out of bed on most days. I miss the children; I long to be a part of their lives. I’m angry this stupid illness has destroyed so much of my life. I wish I wasn’t alone; that I had a husband to bear these burdens with, but God know this and perhaps some day it will happen for the right reasons and not just to give me someone to share my load.
I promise someday (soon, I hope) I will begin writing frequently of good and happy things, like my Great-Nephews baptism occurring today at 2pm. He’s such a lovely little boy and I find myself wanting so much to hold him now while he’s small coz if he grows much bigger I will no longer be able to hold him while I’m standing up. I remember with nephews and nieces walking with them and jiggling them as I walked would often times comfort them more than anything.
When Nils was 25 months old; we were grieving about the possible loss of his newborn sister Britta who was dangerously ill with RSV. I was called home from work one day to find my family devastated at the news that Britta’s chances at life were 50% or less. Mother was especially distressed having lost a child. Nils was sprawled out on the floor screaming with his mom’s purse in his hands, calling over and over, “Mutti, Mutti!” He'd not allowed anyone to pick him up to comfort him. It was a bit of a shock to see him so distraught since he’d been so good each of the previous four or five days his parents had gone up to the hospital and left him at Grandma’s. Mother said he’d caught sight of Petra’s (his mom’s) purse (she’d left it behind that day) and it just set him off. I picked him up and took him outside and walked down the road with him (jiggling him up and down) and he fell asleep immediately with one hand hanging onto Mutti’s purse and the other latched onto my shirt-collar; holding on for dear life, his dear life! Blessedly, within 24 hours we had the news Britta had made a miraculous turn around. It is her little one, my first great-nephew, whose baptism our family is celebrating today!
I miss, with an agony I can’t describe, being an important part of in the kids’ lives, even the older, married ones. It hurts me with a heart pain the younger children may never have the relationship the older kids did with their Auntie Debbie all because of a disease which has taken up so much of my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel so guilty about this, as if I’d only tried harder I wouldn’t be as ill as I’ve been and I would be a part of my family’s life again. I know the Lord Jesus, as the Great Physician, can heal this part of my life as with all other parts, yet it’s hard not to grieve over what is already lost.